Soliloquy.

Goodbye

2012-01-03T23:02:00.002+08:00

So...

2012 is here and I probably should have posted this a lot earlier, but I'm not blogging here anymore.

Private wordpress ftw haha

Okay it's not really private, but so far only one person knows the link so I counting it as private muahaha

IDK I needed a place where I could be more honest about what I'm feeling, I guess.

Cheers to whoever is reading this, for still checking this? I hope you have a lovely year ahead of you.

p.s. I don't really wanna delete this blog. Maybe I'm sentimental and shizz but I think I also need to periodically remind myself not be such a twat like I was in the past, hahahaha and here is the place to go, what with my OTT posts and melodrama and overreacting and etc etc etc. I though I was bipolar, SRSLY WHAT WAS I THINKING, IKR.

reflecting again

2011-10-23T22:57:00.003+08:00

once again I went back to my old blog posts all the way back in '06 and I'm very thankful for the grace and mercy God has shown me.

He will never give up on you (:

18 year old me would have probably wanted to smack 13 year old me if we ever got to having a conversation together. My mindset has matured, but I think my personality has largely stayed intact.

Anyway reading old stuff makes me miss the people I used to be closer to. Really want to reconnect.

Like Shannen/Claudia/UChan, I want to spend more time with them, but it's difficult. We all have such varying schedules etc. Maybe after As!

And Priscilla, whom I haven't had a proper conversation with for about 6 years. We used to hang out in church etc and she did help the initial process of broadening my mind to things. I never realised how shallow and close-minded I used to be when I was young. So much in my little bubble.

Crusade camp really helped this year with me reconnecting with God. It really brought out the fact that I need to be fellowshipping with God. Otherwise very obviously my life was really empty. I suppose it might not have so obvious to other people but there's a very stark difference to me when I'm in Christ and when I'm pulling away from Him.

And it's kind of scary to me that I might appear to be the same to others when I'm starting to be complacent in my walk with God and ignoring the promptings of the Holy Spirit. How are people supposed to tell me to be on my guard and to watch out for the devil who's just waiting for the right opportunity to attack me?

There never seems to be enough time in the world for everything I want to do. After thinking about meeting the 4 people I mentioned above I also want to meet Chingmay/Nicole/Sibyl/Li Wei/Keziah/Yiwei/Charlene/potluck or bbq at Charlene's soon please?

And I still want to spend time with poly people Yinshuang/Pearl/Wendy and Lois and sometimes maybe hang out with the crusaders

My life is full of people wah

And I can't forget spending good quality time with my Lord! Of worship, prayer and getting to know Him and what His plans for me are.

And church people omg Cherzy/Mel/Janice/Yixin/Faith

And school has started, so I should probably throw that notion right out the window. I really need to pull up my grades. I have to do my part as a student and glorify God with my results! Whatever He chooses to do with it then is up to Him.

I want to have family dinner too ):

Time time time. Must use wisely. So I should probably stop blogging anf tweeting and tumblring and facebooking and youtubing.

I should be a responsible daughter and clear my stuff and wash the stuff in the sink.

Goodbye online diary I don't suppose people read this anymore haha

Or do you read this still Tim. In which case, HI and stop reading, go study and happy birthday in a few more days! And stop reading this ever again cos you'd be wasting your life. Go use your time wisely, on more meaningful things. Like reading the Bible. That's much better than this. AND I should also go read my Bible after clearing my stuff

GOODBYE internet

Youtube

2011-10-05T02:21:00.003+08:00

I am addicted with Youtube it's bad.

But I love all the talent I've discovered on the tubez.

Hellogoodbye's new song When We First Met

A not so famous band called Heyhihello and their songs are pretty awesome

An unsigned singer-songwriter called Laurena and her amazing song Permafrost

Kevjumba's cuteness

Chestersee can sing I never knew

Happyslip and Kevjumba are friends WHUT

Meekakitty's song collab with Heyhihello called Wizard Love WHUT UP HP love

Okay so idk what the point of this entry is. Probably proof that I saw these amazing things before loads of people.

IDK WHAT AM I, I FRACKING HIPSTER?

"oh I liked these indie things before anyone else"

whatever haha maybe I really am a hipster

nah i don't think so.

Word vomit. My dumping ground for thoughts.

2011-10-05T01:52:00.004+08:00

Work has been consuming my life. And now there's all these work politics coming up. Who can you joke around and steal samples and eat them with the chocolate/other toppings with, and who you should watch out for?

"Be careful around ..., there's been rumors that she makes up stories etc"

"Just be conscious around ..., there's been times that she's reported back to boss etc"

And the complaints about the bosses. They might pay late, when they talk to you just beware because they might have a motive for it, although they are nice people they aren't very nice bosses

I didn't sign up for this. But work is work, I guess. Human relationships in a work environment inevitably involve politics.

And the damn contract. I don't want to breach it and quit, but I wish I didn't have to work so much. And the possibility that they might sue, is that just a threat? I can't even remember under what circumstances that they can sue me if I break which clause of the contract.

I'm just a part-time employee.

---

Results back and I feel so mediocre. Straight Bs.

Obviously every time I get my results I feel unhappy about it. I know I could've done better, but such is my nature that I forget my disappointment the next term/semester starts and I slack off and get average scores. As usual.

I want to be great. It's not going to happen though.

Just hearing Nicole and Kez talking about going to Universities is making me question my ability. And obviously if I voiced out my concern to anyone they'd go for the reassuring tactic in Comforting Your Friends 101 and say that I'd be able to do it

but honestly who am I that I'd get the chance to be awarded with an overseas scholarship and have the opportunity to study abroad. It's not that I don't want to study in a local University, but even then it'd be expensive and I don't know, is it even possible to get a scholarship.

And then it hits me that i know next to nothing about studying in a University. Well okay I have another year to go before it becomes paramount that I know this information, but the future still scares me.

---

One last issue. This mediocrity extends to my Christian walk and my service to God. Is there even such a thing as a mediocre Christian? Is it okay to be mediocre for God? Of course not.

But I'm just floating around, serving God with a half-heartedness that scares me. And if you bother to read my posts in the past you'd know that that I haven't taken any action to rectify this situation.

No reading my Bible, no prayer, no nothing.

Is it possible that I'm not really a Christian?

Because, you know, it completely seems plausible to me that if I were to die right now, I would have no face to meet Jesus.

What

Wrong

With

Me.

I'm so tired of this recurring problem

Maybe I give up too easily.

I want to impact people, more specifically the Sec ones I'm supposed to be being a responsible cell leader to, supposed to be being a role-model for them to look up to, supposed to be the person to inspire them and lead them to a fulfilling life with Christ (this sentence is so wrong but I can't be bothered to restructure the sentence to heck it)

And also I've been a super slack-off Programme IC for the crusade camp.

Why the frack did I agree to this

I can't even do a good job

And work? It's taking away the time I could be using to be a better programme IC/teenSG leader/person in general

I don't like myself much when I start joining in the complaints about you guys, bosses. But I do and there's a reason for it.

I wish you two weren't so stubborn and cleaned up your act a little. A lot.

---

I should be sleeping okay. Word vomit over bye.

Work

2011-09-08T00:17:00.002+08:00

I AM SO EXHAUSTED FROM WORK I AM WORKING AGAIN AT HOUGANG MALL 12PM TO 10PM ANYONE IN THE AREA BUY BROWNIES OKAY

I AM SLIGHTLY DERANGED

I LEARNT A LOT OF THINGS TODAY

MEMORISING IS TOUGH WORK YO

BUT REMEMBERING HOW TO MAKE DRINKS IS WORSE

I WILL DIE WHEN THEY TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE COFFEE WITH THE COFFEE MACHINE

WORKING AT THE ROAD SHOW LATER(later cos it's already 12am) AM SO SCARED COS I AM SO BAD AT MATH

I HOPE I DONT GIVE OUT WRONG CHANGE MY GOODNESS

And and and can I have Josh train me instead he doesn't scare me as much as Paul does hahahahahahaha

but they are both very nice

But the work is tiring my goodness

I still haven't eaten their brownies hahahahahaha I think I will buy tomorrow and bring home for the parents to eat

And Friday again probably from 4-10pm at the kovan outlet

More training

Wahhhhhhhhhhh

Gonna sleep now goodnight

2011-07-31T00:06:00.002+08:00

Actually I don't know what the hell I was talking about in that blog entry.

I'm a shitty friend.

And I wanted to say I don't have a best friend because in primary one I had a best friend and in primary two she said we couldn't be best friends anymore because we weren't in the same group. And I saw her Thursday night but I didn't acknowledge her. That was the second time I saw her and the second time I didn't say hi.

So maybe that's why I don't have that single best friend, it happened and then it didn't work out and now I don't want it to happen again.

But it doesn't discount that fact that I'm a rather shitty friend.

2011-07-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

What now you're gone my fault I'm sorry

How old is this song?

2011-07-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

Isn't it funny how I always feel like I constantly put my friends before God

but I don't really have a best friend?

I have best friends though

But it's not really the same, is it?

Do I not want to get hurt?

But don't I always tell most of my friends most of the things happening to me, unless it's not appropriate for me to do so?

And don't friends kinda disappoint each other at times?

I don't know what's going on in my brain

Been rejecting God again, so many thoughts so many emotions.

Honestly, when will I learn

Raging tempest

Of emotions.

Attempts at suppression

May lead to explosion

Or implosion

Either way

It ain't gonna be pretty.

My biggest problem is that I don't even know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. Or rather, I'm not even sure what it is that I'm feeling.

Why brain why

God is my solution He heals all but I don't want it?

IDEK

Ah.

2011-07-04T23:02:00.002+08:00

Life's been stressful, what with all the assignments to be done and the knowledge of the two exam papers I have in August. Running out of time.

But I'm so grateful to have a faithful God. Mum found a English tutor for my cousin, meaning I don't have to tutor him anymore (: And she did it so fast too, like I told her at 11ish at night and when I called her at 8ish in the morning she had around found the tutor. So blessed. My mum is so resourceful.

And I finally have written a lesson plan I am confident of to send to my field supervisor. The first one that I think is actually pretty good.

And even though I have so many things to do, I know that the grace of God will sustain me.

God has shown my His grace, and has given me Grace. Tan. As in my mum LOLOL OKAY I KNOW I VERY LAME

So glad though, I roughly know what to do for my lessons and that links to the learning centre, which kinda links to the Math activities journal.

I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.

And I got to meet chingalingling and leewayway for dinner today yay! And we bumped into Mel can you believe it I didn't realise it was her at first and I was like "excuse me" to her HEH HEH FUNNY ONLY

okay I am waiting for this video to load, the only dance I am allowing myself to watch. Gotta sleep early. Internet is being slow ):

So tempted to skip ITA lesson tomorrow. Zzz.

My faith graph has been going down lately

2011-06-25T00:04:00.004+08:00

It feels so weird to think that just two months ago I got baptised.

I feel so... disconnected.

Like nothing is going right.

And it definitely doesn't help that the mere thought of people can make me think so many nasty thoughts about them or the fact that after thinking swear words I am starting to mouth the words and sometimes actually say it out loud. But softly. But still.

It's my life is just a giant ball of suck and I know what's wrong, it's not that I don't, but I don't want to fix it.

I actually like my sin and want to stay there. I feel so torn and I don't know how I can overcome something like this. I LIKE WHAT IS KEEPING ME FROM LIVING A FREE LIFE WITH CHRIST.

How warped is that?

I'm so glad that we attended the church in Shanghai (it's for expatriates, not sure if their Chinese Bible study for for the locals but they def do not attend the service, you actually need some form of ID for them to let you into the service)

cos Pastor Edmund Chan was speaking and I'm currently reading one of his books. I brought the book to Shanghai but didn't read it, not even after the service but yeah.

So that service made me realise what my problem was. The problem now is I don't want to solve it. I don't want to be willing to give up my sin.

BLAH

There's such a huge difference in my life when I am making an effort to keep fellowshipping with God and trying to obey Him and when I don't care at all.

How am I supposed to lead a group of teenagers and teach young children when I'm like this?

But yet at the same time I think "how am I supposed to keep giving and giving without being filled at the same time?"

2 weeks break and my life is such a mess. It was going downhill even before that though.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I thought I'd at least understand better by now but I don't.

Don't even dare to ask God for help now what is this. This isn't right is it. Okay I'm going to need a long prayer and get back on track.

I can't just like Jesus, many people like Him too. I need to love Him and have sincere faith and make Him the center of my life. And hate my sin. And persevere and not give up like I always do.

I actually can see so many people, myself of course included, not placing Christ at the very center of our lives. It saddens me because all this time wasted could have been spent in wonderful and beautiful moments living and breathing for God. I have wasted a lot of time. So time for me to wake up and realise how sin is never good for me, even though it might seem to be and can be enjoyable due to my own sinful nature, and start weeding.

It sure seems like life, even in it's hardest times, can be great times as long as we remember Jesus is always by our side.

2011-06-13T02:04:00.001+08:00

I wonder how mothers of babies that die of the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome feel.

2011-06-13T01:39:00.001+08:00

I posted on the NP crusaders fb page informing them.

And since I know none of them will read this

Wow Roy, you're real sensitive. Thanks for making me feel worse. Really. Thanks.

Popcorn

2011-06-13T01:01:00.006+08:00

2 June 2011

Normal Thursday, I had Discipleship Group and we were just chatting and stuff waiting for 6pm to have LM(life meeting). That day we were going to have it outdoors. Suddenly there was a commotion and I saw this cat running down the stairs, then running up again, then running away into the canal. I watched the cat run, and tried to call out to her but she just ran further when she saw me approaching.

Then Eliza told me about the kitten left on the steps. Lynn came over and she picked the kitten up. We thought it was a girl.

Lynn held him and Eliza and Melanie went to get a box and maybe a towel for him.

The box came and we placed him in it. After a bit I tried giving him water because I was clueless as to what I could give him. Water was the safest. But he didn't want any.

We kept speculating the reason why the mum ran off, and if we should really separate him from his mother. I was worried he'd die if we didn't, so my mind was sort of already made up to bring him to Claudia's. I texted her and she said bring him over, so I guess the decision was made.

Everyone started asking me if I was going to bring him home, but I couldn't, I told them, I'm bringing him to my friend instead, she'll either keep him, if not he'll be put up for adoption. They started coming up with names too. Latte, Abraham, Luke, etc. I told them all nooooo.

I didn't take part in the activities that night properly. I kept going back to the box to check on him. I didn't like the way KJ was playing with him, throwing the towel over his body, I thought, why are you playing with him when he seems to not enjoy it at all?

LM ended and I went to eat before I shared a cab with Eliza Barry and Sonia. Before we left Jumh came over and I opened up the flap of the box to let him see and he said boo to the poor kitty. I was pissed off at that. Seriously why did you have to do that?

Everyone one else was fawning over how pretty he was though. And he was.

Cabbed to Serangoon and Sonia walked with me to Claudia's house

Claudia thought I got into some fix or something cos I was late. I told her she was overreacting.

Left him with Claudia, after I got home I texted her and she said her mum was pretty okay to keep him, so I made a mental note to visit soonish and to ask if I could chip in for like food/toys or something.

Before receiving her text I told the Crusaders he might be up for adoption, and when KJ said she wouldn't mind adopting him but was just worried about her dog's reaction to him I made another mental not to really tell her where she could adopt him.

Selfish, really. But I wanted to be more involved in his life and the only way to do that was if Claudia kept him. I also told them she was really a him and his name was Popcorn.

---

The last couple of weeks, whenever I thought of Popcorn and if I was online I would check Claudia's blog to see if she'd had the time to take pics/upload and blog. If I was in school I would check facebook to look at his pics.

I just went to Claudia's blog and found out he had passed on.

And if you see this, Claudia, don't blame yourself. Life and death, it really is unpredictable. No one could have seen this coming.

I wonder, if I didn't make that decision to take Popcorn away from his mother, would he still be alive? Just as Claudia feels sorry towards me and the crusaders, I feel sorry towards the mother cat. I didn't even know for sure why you ran away. What if you miss your baby?

but let's not blame death on ourselves. Death is this inevitable part of life that all of us will see and experience.

This has been a rather lousy post at trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings after finding out about Popcorn's passing.

Do animals go to heaven? The same one I'm going to? Because I really want to be able to see him again.

I hate that I couldn't have gone earlier to visit and seen him one last time. I hate that he had to die so young. I hate that I didn't have more knowledge of cats to have maybe, possibly, made a better judgement on whether I should have decided to separate him from his mum. I hate death.

I'm sorry Popcorn. I hope you're well and happy and playing now.

2011-06-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

I am still a procrastinator.

BLAH

2011-05-24T23:58:00.002+08:00

thought I'd post a short update of sorts, have been neglecting this space.

I've been very tired.

The weird thing is I've had this kind of sleep habits before and etc and kinda similar workload but I'm still exhausted.

And there's this insurmountable amount of stress that's been making me kinda nuts the past few days.

I guess I could blame it on hormones but idk, I never had pms this bad ever.

Today I wasn't paying much attention in the first lecture, fighting to stay awake during the second lecture, and during IT tutorial I slept for almost half the class. Which is an hour.

I haven't slept like that in class for so long.

One of the conclusions I've come to is that I probably need to drop one of the things I'm doing.

Don't forget, I still have to teach KSS again in July. I don't think I can cope.

I don't know if what I need is more faith and more prayer, or I just need to stop doing one of the things I'm doing.

But even if I decide to give something up, how do I choose what to give up?

All I know is that these few days, the kinda sparse reading I've been doing just barely helps me in getting over the day and preparing myself the next. I get upset and overwhelmed with emotion at the slightest things that happen.

And I go so stressed on Sunday that I cried my eyeballs out and ended up with stupid puffy eyes. Which I managed to reduce a little before attachment, but my friend and my mentor said I looked emo/tired.

The IT tutor, after I woke up and was going to start following the next part of her lesson, asked me if I was okay and if I was very tired. She's so nice I'm so thankful ;_;

I can't help but wonder if Satan's trying to attack me emotionally. BLAH. GO AWAY.

I suppose I need to believe, and trust, and hope that when this is over, I can look back and see how much I can go through and how much I can grow.

Anyway the poly kids who follow me on twitter(where most of the "emo" stuff is) didn't ask me about it. IDK whether to be grateful for that cos I might have wanted to cry if they asked me, but there's always that slight gnawing thought about them not really wanting to know.

Ah whatever. No school tomorrow cos of HMS graduation day. Gonna tutor the cousin and meet Mel for dinner. And hopefully wake up early, have macs/kfc breakfast, and do some work. Gotta do some work.

If you told me I'd be like this last year I wouldnt have believed you.

2011-05-14T13:33:00.001+08:00

Make two videos for church and expect everyone to think you're an expert in making videos.

Honestly I am so tired of adults being ignorant about software and how easy it can be to make these things.

The only problem is now people expect me to be able to do more when I can't.

Argh

I'm not studying anything related to media why did I agree to do this why

I don't think I can use the videos we took cos its supposed to be serious but watching them will probably make the youths laugh.

Okay I can use one.

Frustrated.

Just another day

2011-05-08T20:48:00.002+08:00

The day is coming to an end and i have to say, my 18th birthday is not how I expected it to turn out at all.

I suppose I was a little "rebellious" though? I skipped memory verse competition, even after I was spotted by aunty Soke Fung who said she wanted to combine my class (which consisted of me only) with another class. I really didn't see the point when I didn't memorise a single verse, which is the whole point of having a competition in the first place, so I didn't go.

Janice and Cherlyn got me a Regina Spektor album! At first when I opened it I was a little apprehensive cos I didn't know any of the songs but boy, is this album good. I'm so glad they got it for me cos I wouldn't have gotten it for myself otherwise. Thanks so much! <3

Regina Spektor is so lovely.

Mel got me this super cute necklace! It's a hot-air balloon whee

Seo Young stole the ribbon Janice used to wrap the album. Sigh haha

Thought I might spend the day alone

but I went to have lunch with Mel and then Yixin and Sam joined us

My mum asked me when I was going to my grandmother's house (so it was like expected that I was supposed to go?) to cut the cake

I kinda wish she bought the cake but didn't bring it to grandma's house

I made my way to Punggol and got a call from my third aunt/godmother whose tone felt to me like she was trying to make me feel guilty for going down later cos my dad had to leave soon

Seriously though it didn't even matter if my dad was there to watch me cut the cake. My family, we're not super insistent on things like this... A few years ago I realised I had to ask for a cake for my birthday, if not they might not even get me one, so yeah. We're not big on the whole cake thing. We do go for dinner though.

Okay so I reach and we cut the cake, which was YUMZ but then everyone ate my damn cake and didn't realise that I hadn't eaten any. How wonderful. How observant.

I did eat a slice, then the rest went into the fridge.

Went to my youngest aunt's bedroom to use my phone/itouch/mabe get some sleep but two aunties(fifth and youngest/sixth) came in and we talked for quite awhile till I just stopped talking and went to sleep.

Slept for about an hour. Felt like I wasted my day.

Ate dinner (laksa yay so yum)

Was going to get my stuff to go home then...

Got called fat by my youngest aunt. I went to the room pretending not to hear anything and heard someone else say "plump la, not fat" and then my fourth uncle was like "you cannot say plump la...."

WAH INSULTED ON MY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY

THANKS A LOT, thanks for your insensitivity. Please take a look at yourself before saying I'm fat, thanks.

It was partly the drapey part of the dress and partly cos I'd just eaten (laksa too) and was kinda bloated

BUT EVEN IF I WAS FREAKING HUGE, CAN YOU NOT JUST KEEP YOUR OPINION TO YOURSELF ON YOUR NIECE'S DAMN EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY?

I hate them doing that. They've been doing that since after I hit puberty. My weight, my choice of clothes, everything also must say. One of my five aunts CONFIRM will have something to say.

I'm so tired of it. My life, my choices, who are you to judge? Unless I'm obese la. Then I guess you can ask me to take care of my body better, but what is this I'm not overweight okay.

And my choice of clothing. Am I dressing like a slut? No. THEN COMMENT SO MUCH FOR WHAT

seriously. I asked my mum, what if I became anorexic because of their comments? And she said it's cos they know I'm sensible.

I'M SENSIBLE MEANS I GOT NO FEELINGS IS IT?

Seriously WHY DO I HAVE TO CRY ON MY BIRTHDAY ALL THE TIME

IS THIS AN ELIADA RITUAL COS I NEVER WANTED THIS

I SHOULD HAVE GONE OUT ON MY OWN

WHY MUST I SPEND IT WITH AUNTS THAT CRITICISE ME AND COUSINS I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH?

Next time I don't want to go to my grandmother's house and my mum tries to make me go i'm going to use this to escape ha

Anyway was wearing my shoes then my mum asked if I wanted the rest of the cake

YES OF COURSE YES

FAT THEN FAT LA I WANT MY CAKE

---

I was going to blog

"even though today is not what I expected it to be, I still thank God for it"

And I've decided that I still thank God for today. Because the first half of my day was really nice. And my mum bought me cake. And I got an angbao from my grandfather who to me always seemed aloof. An my fifth aunt got my a necklace too. And my cousin gave me bubbletea. And throughout the day I had facebook wishes. And my superawesome ZHSS kids were so protective and comforting when I tweeted about the fat thing. Because I got superawesome presents. Because Yinshuang sang a song for me yay. Cos Sam's coming with Bing to gimme a birthday cupcake yayy

Because God's blessings in my life are so much more than the bad things that happen

I just have a bad habit on focusing on the bad, but remembering all the nice things today certainly puts things into perspective. Ranting about it makes me feel better though.

Family is family, I suppose. They never fail to drive you nuts.

Looking forward to dinner with Chingmay and maybe hopefully a few more people!

And also more presents HAHAHAHA kidding kidding!

Okay today was a very mixed day.

BYEEE

18

2011-05-08T02:02:00.001+08:00

I am officially 18 years old.

PAP is still the government

I think I really will spend tomorrow alone.

I don't have much else to say

But I still want my music and books.

God has been faithful and good to me. (:

2nd Holy Communion tomorrow. Grateful for every one I get to partake in.

Wanna sleep bit wanna know who won Aljunied GRC...

2011-05-06T01:58:00.001+08:00

I just realised I can't vent this on any Internet platform I'm using. Cos I don't want certain people to see

Not fb not twitter not this blog not tumblr. Only livejourbal I guess but I'm on my itouch and I can't go to lj from here.

I guess so goodbye.

And also I think I want to spend Sunday alone after church. Dont want to go for Sunday school cos it's memory verse competition and seriously I haven't memorized any of the verses

I can't memorize them all by Sunday

Why do we even have memory verse competition.

I honestly think it's a waste of time.

---

I have a headache. Zzz.

I think I'll spend Sunday afternoon alone then go home for dinner or something. Sleep early cos I have attachment the next day.

I feel like swearing right now gosh

Why am I leaking tears again I don't even know why

---

I shouldn't care cos it's only man made milestone. It's only I number why do I care.

Not like I had some big thing when I turned 16 so why would this be any different.

I just don't remember this level of stress two years ago

I wanted to be 16 forever

More stuff

2011-04-27T12:17:00.001+08:00

Chingmay might be getting me and Adele album! Yay heehee I don't know which one though, I said I didn't mind either. Crossing fingers and hoping she really gets me one haha I have a serious Adele obsession and I need her album!

Oh oh oh I totally don't mind getting any of John Mayer's three albums hahahah

I realised that I like getting albums. Hmm. The only time I ever downloaded all songs from an album it was TC5's first album.

And in p6 I borrowed a friend's Kelly Clarkson album and burned it lol

OH MY I WANT KELLY CLARKSON TOO I LOVE HER not as much as Adele but she's the first like artist I liked so yeahhhhhhhh

Okay so many albums wow

Gotta blog about my baptism soon I think haha lazy to get the pics at the moment.

um

2011-04-23T23:33:00.001+08:00

I would like a Regina Spektor album too HAHAHA

Birthday

2011-04-21T22:38:00.002+08:00

About a week left till I turn 18!

Looking forward to to presents LOL I AM SUPERFICIAL SIAN

18.

Kinda a milestone, but I wosh i could have remained 16 forever. Or 17.

HMM ANYWAY I WILL POST MY BIRTHDAY WISH LIST COS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOME THINGS BUT I WILL NOT BUY THEM FOR MYSELF. HEH.

1. Adele's 21 (or 19, or both, hahaha)

2. The Click Five's TCV

3. The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

4. Or any biography (did he write an autobiography?) of C.S. Lewis

5. Classic Penguin Books (with the green paperback covers)

- Emma/Mansfield Park/Sense and Sensibility/Pride and Prejudice/Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen

- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

- Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

- Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

- Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

- A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

- Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte

6. Other Christian literature?

LOL there are a lot of books but I want to start reading again! Listen to good music and read to relax, and not chase so much after the unattainable, imaginary beauty that society tells us we have to be. I think my compact powder, lip gloss, blusher and eyeliner my mom and I share is quite enough. I'll have plenty of time to put makeup on when I start working yeah, but when will I have the time to sit down and read and enjoy reading?

Anyway I've been influenced so I'm kinda obsessed with reading all the classics so I'm gonna start from there whee!

Plus the green paperback books cost like, 5 bucks? So yay for people on a budget hahahahah

I want to have lunch/dinner with all mah friendsssssss

Hopefully I can!

Kay Good Friday is here and I'm fasting till 5-ish!

Gotta have a good time worshipping praying and fasting and then getting my life back on track

And baptism on Sunday. Trusting in God fully to hold off my period's arrival till Sunday. Maybe straight after I get out of the pool I'll get my period lol.

OH I'M GOING FIRST. SO NERVOUS. HAHA

k bye bye bye bye

Reviewing my life to see how it's been

2011-04-19T23:19:00.002+08:00

Sometimes life goes by so fast, you hardly have the time or energy to think what's been going well and what's not been so good.

I guess that's why I like blogging. Helps my thought processes and make me go through what has been happening.

I like unloading everything here. Well, most things. Other stuff I dare not reveal I put in a locked livejournal post. But that's not very often.

OKAY!

Anyway if any one is still wondering how my mouth is, I AM COMPLETELY OKAY! I think I healed at a super remarkable rate.

When I went to the dentist to get my stitches out, the nurse told me not to force myself if I still couldn't eat solids, but two days before that I ate fried rice already HAHAHAHA. I ate it really slowly and by the end my mouth was kinda aching, so I stuck to softer foods till removing stitches day. YEAH MAN after that I could eat like anything I wanted, just had to eat slower.

BUT NOW I AM TOTALLY FINE! So happy for super speedy recovery. Thank You God :D

---

Met Janice, Cherzy and Mel for dinner last Wednesday! I had such a lovely time (: I bought popcorn from Garrett's and ate like half of it before dinner. Brought it to dinner and LEFT IT BEHIND afterwards! So sad. Am now craving for more. MORE!!!

Got new shoes for the Chanel gig too! New Look whee.

Anyway it was great meeting the church girls :D

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Chanel thingy for two days was quite interesting haha, got to experience what it'll be like to be rich and have makeup artists do your makeup for you. I didn't like the makeup all that much, too heavy for my liking, don't know why all 3 of them that did my makeup chose darker colours for my eyeshadow. I like my friend's better, looked lighter.

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CCA fiesta for the past two days. Boy am I tired. Was asked to sorta take up some role in Crusade too, but I don't really want to... I just think I might have too much on my plate already, yet I feel kinda guilty for not feeling more enthusiastic about helping in crusade when they've done so much for me. Gonna pray about it.

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Haven't been reading the Bible or praying for a while now. Slipping back to old habits. Don't like this at all ): Need to be stronger and choose to be disciplined.

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I need my HMS shirt, I hope she's free to pass it to me by tomorrow. Ugh, she should have returned it a long time ago Zzz.

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Sometimes feeling like a shitty friend, and other times feeling like my friends don't care about me. Sometimes lonely.

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Eye candy at CCA fiesta. When will this one end?

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Don't really want to tutor my cousin, although it's some kind of wonderful to have someone cook meals for you. Sigh.

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Praying hard that my period won't come till my baptism is over. Nervous about baptism. Gotta memorise my verse!

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Okay that's it for now I guess!

Tired so I went from prose to points haha. BUHBYE

Not wise to keep wisdom teeth

2011-04-09T14:51:00.001+08:00

Blogging from my itouch!

Okay so I thought I should document my wisdom teeth extracting experience, so here goes

Had swollen gums and an inflamed throat on monday, so I was thinking that I should let the throat heal before I see the dentist.

Wednesday came and my throat was okay an I went to google swollen gums and wisdom teeth and decided I should yank the nasty little buggers out the next day.

I couldn't chew much by thurs and I couldn't clench my teeth so I knew I couldn't delay it already. So I went to the dentist only to find out I needed parental consent cos to remove the lower tooth required surgery zzz so I called my mum and so we arranged the thing to be later

Anyway the dentist had a hongkong-American accent hahahahhaha

He was like "you're quite a fast developer huh, most of your peers are only growing out their wisdom teeth now"

Oh and I just found out my brother grew his wisdom teeth when he was 14 like what lol but he doesn't have any problems with them so yeah.

I couldn't really open my mouth wide cos of the swelling and he was a little sian cos small mouths are more difficult to work with and I felt like saying I have a normal sized mouth!!!!!! I just can't open it wide now oh well

He gave me 5 injections and I was tearing up by the last two. Every time I opened my eyes I would close them again quickly cos I didn't want to see how long the needle was haha. My previous extraction I was given 2 injections cos I was only removing one tooth so it was bearable, but 5 is a bit too much. Quite painful.

He finished everything pretty fast! At the end I thought he was still removing my tooth but he was already stitching me up. I saw the string, freaked out mentally and shut my eyes again.

just to gross you out: I can touch the end knot of the string with my tongue heh. I haven't touched the wound with my tongue so far due to two reasons, one is not to disturb the healing process etc and the other is cos it's quite difficult to reach it in the first place cos of the swelling.

Yeah then the assistant stuffed the gauze into my mouth.

Cos of the anesthetic half my bottom lip was completely numb and it was so weird haha but quite fun to touch also lol. And my face felt crampy when I tried to smile.

I couldn't chew for the next two days, so agonizing. I had tau huey, Campbell mushroom soup and porridge for those two days. Thank God I didn't have any problems with swallowing my medicine.

Left side of face still swollen, but I can chew today! Yay

Oh and I drooled on the first night lol. Sian.

I'll add more details later la. Now too lazy already.

So happy that I can chew cos I can eat more for Dad's birthday dinner later! Whee

Yikes

2011-04-02T01:50:00.003+08:00

I feel like this week is a complete fail.

Okay wait did I pray on Mon? I don't remember, but that is not the point! Oh yah I didn't really.

Rargh.

Like I'm slowly going back to my old habits.

Complaining about people. Being super undisciplined.

Read the last three chapters in the book we're doing for baptism class and the last chapter which talks about the role women have in the church really bugged me.

I don't know if that had a slight influence in me being less determined to read the Bible, but it's really not a valid reason, is it.

Anyway I really really hope the elder/deacon taking the class can shed some light on the matter. I don't want him to say something like oh, this thing was written in the 1950s anyway so it doesn't apply to us now. It's like saying the Bible doesn't apply to us either cos it's so old anyway.

Maybe I should read it again from a different angle.

Sigh. Need to be more consistent. I'm really bad at it ):

Oh and I have no problem accepting that women aren't supposed to speak in the congregation etc and stuff it's just that I have a hard time with some of the practices that were discontinued a while ago.

Ack I don't know.

I hope someone can explain it to me.

(Disclaimer: this is a joke - Any time some teacher or whoever asks me to share in open worship I can tell them it's not very Biblical of women to be speaking and stuff during service. Wahaha.)

---

Lonely.

One of those times I wish I had someone who understood to rant to.

---

And now it's time for bed.

Oh yes. TeenSG again tomorrow. I am quite nervous, going to prepare properly before heading over to church. Praying for wisdom to do and say the right things and lead the kids back to God.

Sometimes I feel like me wanting to instill a desire to know God in the kiddos is a ~lofty aspiration~ but then again my God can do anything! Must have more faith.

Have to keep reminding myself many things.

1. My God is an awesome God.

2. Living for Jesus is not always easy.

3. Trusting in God and leaning on him completely can make 2 more smooth sailing.

4. Living for Jesus involves dying to self.

5. Dying to self is difficult.

6. My God really can do anything.

7. My God is always around me.

Must really remember that God is present when I'm teaching, when I'm leading teenSg discussion, when I'm praying, when I'm complaining, when I'm having SG, when I'm eating, when I'm sleeping, ALL THE TIME.

That fact really changes how I want to live each moment of my life.

Okay really time to sleep.

results

2011-03-25T14:26:00.001+08:00

RESULTS ARE BETTER THAN EXPECTED!

that's really all I have to say.

bye~

Should be sleeping nowwwwww

2011-03-25T02:08:00.002+08:00

I can do 30-45min of reading Christian books and the Bible and stuff and pray for one day, then not do any of that and pray very little for the next two days.

It's an ongoing struggle/battle.

I've been wondering why I'm so good at procrastinating ):

But I can't give up.

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Results coming out in a few more hours.

Already prepared for lousy grades. I have only myself to blame.

At least I know I want to change things.

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I feel like my eating habits are going a little crazy. I don't really have proper meals at specific times anymore, I just eat when I start feeling hungry, but I don't eat too much?

Today I had dinner though. Spaghetti with meatballs wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Crap now I'm hungry.

Too many things to talk about heh

2011-03-22T14:59:00.003+08:00

I realised that a random person who can actually read all of my lengthy posts might think that my church is some horrible place and wondering what on earth I'm thinking, staying there.

But it's very human of me to focus on the negative issues and actually we're not all that bad, it's just that I think the main problem leading to the rest of the problems is a lack of passion as a church to do God's work.

I, like quite a lot of other people, like the homey feeling we get when we attend church, where almost everyone knows everyone else. It's definitely a nice feeling, but I think we're getting too comfortable. There aren't like obvious visible attacks on the church because we're not growing and I guess Satan isn't bothered about us anymore. So he let's us be, and we feel like nothing's wrong when we should notice that there is something wrong when everything gets too smooth sailing and comfortable.

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Yesterday I was thinking in the shower and thinking about how a few people have told me that they feel like I'm blessed because I'm a second-generation christian, because I possess more Bible knowledge and in some cases I don't have parents objecting to me coming to church and serving. I'd try to tell them that their views aren't very accurate and tell them that being first-gen christians, they chose for themselves to believe in God and Jesus, while people like me sometimes just follow our parents and it's very possible that some of us never fully realise what being a christian is really about.

I think God put us in our various positions for a reason. I doubt that I would accept God if I were born in non-christian family. I'd either be agnostic or atheist, I expect. If I believed in the existence of a higher being I wouldn't believe that we could relate to him and actually have fellowship with him.

First-gen christians maybe are first-gen cos they were meant to minister and evangelise to their families. Maybe they could be used as powerful testimonies to many other people. Or maybe for many other reasons.

I suppose all I want to say is, don't resent your situation. We're all very blessed as it is to have a God that is wiling to reach out to us when we aren't willing to even accept Him. That he would actually send His only Son to us to teach us what it really means to be a believer and follower of Christ and to ultimately take the rap for all our wrongdoings.

If we think too much (maybe also because the devil put the negative thoughts in our minds or maybe it's just us thinking too much) it doesn't do anything for you at all. Think instead what God has done for you in your life and I think the evidence of His love can be overwhelming.

Which brings me to another thing, the topic about some people being blessed more than others. What we really need to ask ourselves are a few questions when we feel that other people are more blessed than us.

1. Did we ask God to bless us?
2. What are our motivations for asking for the blessings?
3. If you did ask God and your motives were pure and scriptural, what about your fellowship with God prior to the prayer?

Psalm 66:18
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;

You can't really ask God to keep giving you things when you hold other things more dear. God isn't some sort of ATM. Sure, He loves to give and can't wait to bless us, but imagine people constantly asking you for stuff then not caring about you at all after they've gotten the thing? Why should God give us stuff when we only approach Him when we need/want things?

But when we're right with God and we ask Him for things He loves to answer. Sometimes He gives stuff even better than what we asked for! Whee~

(The part-time maid is here and looking at her attempting to wipe my insanely messy table is so painful to watch. I PROMISE TO CLEAN MY TABLE TOMORROW)

---

Anyway I should stop grumbling about church matters and focus on changing myself first. And humble myself! Sian need to stop feeling superior to people I find stupid and judging them.

And also I'm worried about baptism. This is something guys don't have to worry about. This probably makes it really obvious already right LOL.

Okay I want to buy strawberry yoghurt wheeeeeee it tastes so good *u*

On the road to becoming more disciplined and motivated! Not easy but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Phil 4:13

Okay end of this lengthy post. Next lengthy post will come soon! I think.

Baptism

2011-03-21T00:02:00.002+08:00

Okay so I thought I should clarify why I'm getting baptised even though I have problems with the church etc and getting baptised means I'll be an official member of the church etc

Baptism is described as an outward expression of an inward experience. I believe that Jesus was sent to Earth to die for our sins, and that by believing in His name I am saved and have eternal life. Now I want to tell this to the world. (You're saved when you say the sinner's prayer and baptism is NOT salvation)

I know I've never not admitted that I was a Christian, so like personally my baptism will mean also that I am showing everyone that I am fully committed to Christ and that I am dead to self but alive in Christ.

Galations 2:20
I have been crucified through Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

This might be my baptism verse, even though when I was in lower sec I already chose another verse... See how la, it's not the most important thing anyway.

So the immersion of water symbolises me dying to self and when I come out it means I am now a new person. Not that I cannot be a new person without baptism, it's more of a symbolism and re-commitment for me.

Okay so about the membership thing. First of all, I'm already practically a member anyway. Second of all, I want to help change some things around here. Third, if I really want to leave the church, membership can be transferred.

The most important thing is that I am already a member of the body of Christ. Doesn't matter which local church I am a member of.

I think I summed it all up here!

I still feel quite nervous about getting baptised, but I know for sure I want to, and when the bulletin had the announcement that there was gonna be baptism classes, I felt very compelled to do it. I think God was nudging me telling me that it's time for me to get baptised.

Okay I think I might blog again about another topic heh.

Too many emotions/feelings/thoughts.

2011-03-20T21:35:00.003+08:00

Ugh my room is so messy. Gonna clean it tomorrow.

Okay that was not what I wanted to blog about.

Chingmay turned 18! The stayover was pretty awesome, seeing the effect the laughing gas has on people is quite amusing, even though I will probably never try it for myself, and watching Rachel self-destruct during the drinking game was exasperating.

I also probably need to get a swim suit soon.

Went to Ching's house first, supposed to meet at 12 at TPY Central but when I reached at 1230 she was still sleeping tsk. But she was at her class chalet earlier so still okay. Anyway it was her birthday she could do whatever she wanted. Got stuff for later then we went back to her house to nua a bit then we went to MBS. Met Rachel and went to find a cake but cannot find so asked John to buy. In the end Charlene bought hurhur.

FINALLY, after not eating food for the entire day (except I ate some corn snack thing Ching had on her table) we went to Coffee Bean to eat WHEE~

The bagel with cured salmon and cream cheese and salad was SO GOOD. I ate the salad with the salmon and spread the cream cheese on the bagel. SO GOOD. SO SO SO SO GOOD.

LOL anyway after that we went back bah blah people came blah blah taking photos etc etc (I'm lazy to type about this already oops)

Drinking game blah laughing gas blah

Another more siao drinking game blah

Sleep~

I HAD VERY LITTLE SPACE ON THE BED ):

Woke up many times through the morning cos I was pretty uncomfortable. And when alarms went off. Finally officially woke at 8 plus? or 9. Then we went up to the infinity pool~~~

I don't like wearing Ching's bikini which is why I need a swimsuit. Water was very cold so I didn't go in, went to the jacuzzi with C instead whee. At 10 plus the sun came out and the water was cool and not icy cold anymore. It was actually quite shiok but I had already dried off so I didn't want to go in heh. Just had my legs in the water while C tried to tan.

Check out then went to kbox. IKR we are nuts. The sorta usual grouping? Hi-5 minus Limmy plus me and Bing. IDK what is usual I anyhow one.

I very lazy to upload the video now but Li Wei they dedicated a song to you! I didnt sing I just videoed it.

THEN HOME. SLEEP. I slept a lot. I need to exercise sian.

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First TeenSG yesterday. Before that was the church clean up in which I didn't do much. Oops.

I managed to piss Sol off and I felt like shit cos he didn't want me anywhere near him and I was thinking shit shit shit it's only the first session and I'm already capable of making the kids mad at me and thinking "I bet my dad never pissed them off before". I knew he would get over it eventually but man did it make me feel like crap.

Can't help but feel that like the devil was behind it, because I didn't really do anything. Bleh. Was telling myself not to feel discouraged and stuff. Then during the mini competition he and Raph kinda fought and he looked so upset. Then James brought him out and I was thinking shit what if he develops negative feelings toward teenSg and youth fellowship and doesn't want to come back?

But all was resolved by dinner time. I really thank God.

Then today I found out about the whole conflict between Sol/Shihui and Tommy. Okay basically about the class in general. I AM SO SCARED I feel like I'm not ready to handle this.

And my dad brought up the issue of quite a lot of the sec sch kids not attending service to Uncle Patrick since he's a deacon but hasn't got word back from him yet. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. The youths should know what is expected of them and what is not condoned and the leadership should be doing something about it especially since it's becoming so rampant.

What's going to happen to them after they complete sunday school? Some of them might just leave if by then they still don't have fellowship with God. Why is it that our youth are like this? I don't see them having the desire to know God (this is about the majority of the sec 1-4 kids) and wanting to bring their friends to Christ. I feel like they only come to church because their parents come and so they have no choice but to follow, or because they want to be with their friends.

If that's the case when they grow older they won't follow their parents to church anymore and they'll just meet their friends outside. Why come to church and listen to the nagging of the aunties?

):

Certainly seems like the church is not only stagnant, it's also shrinking. People are leaving, be it from the youths or the adults. And we're supposed to be growing. I don't get this at all.

When I worship sometimes I don't feel like the entire congregation is really worshipping. it also doesn't feel like we practice what we preach. Like the priesthood of all believers, for example. The church of God is a royal priesthood, but men aren't stepping up to teach in Junior Sunday School. How many times have speakers said that God looks at your availability, not your ability? yet no one is coming forward. (I specifically said men cos we need more male teachers in JSS, now there's only my dad left...)

We're doing some doctrinal book thing for baptism class and the books states that if there's only one man leading/speaking etc, it results in the congregation becoming professional sermon tasters. Listening to what the guy has to say but not checking if it's the truth for themselves or just taking picking applications that are agreeable to them etc.

I don't know about the checking with the truth, and I might be wrong about this, but I just have a feeling that a lot of us tailor the Christian faith to our own needs, to suit our lifestyle, which perverts the faith and makes us present a distorted view of what Christianity is to non-Christians.

Christian meant "Little Christ" in Greek. I don't think we emphasise on this enough. We're suppose to strive to embody who Christ was. I always hear things like "how can you -insert attribute/action here- more in your own little ways?" (I tell this to my young kiddos, but I think at this young age it's the only way they can understand)

It's like we're only doing it if we can, but if we can't, then too bad. Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say here? It's good that we try to be better, but now that I think of it, although it's subtle, this kind of questioning makes us slowly think that we can change at our own convenience and not because we were called to. My phrasing probably sucks but yeah.

Another thing is the church leadership avoiding controversial topics like the plague. I think that sometimes a little controversy is good. It makes people think. You don't want mindless drones just listening and accepting whatever the person at the pulpit says because they have the knowledge that the elders won't let them listen to any weird things. You want them to want to find out the truth for themselves and not just accept teachings without checking things through.

If you're not careful someone may start teaching false stuff and do it so subtly that you don't realise it and it could slowly corrupt the church and tear it apart.

OKAY I was thinking about shifting the whole church portion to my friends locked LJ but here's my disclaimer in case any church leader of something sees this.

DISCLAIMER: ALL THINGS WRITTEN HERE ARE MY OWN OPINION AND MIGHT BE SKEWED OR BIASED. But also since a member of the church feels this way you should probably look into the matters I mentioned.

I think I am done here.

Argh so many emotions/feelings/thoughts.

I guess the only thing that matter is the attitude of your heart and your fellowship with God. It leads to everything else falling into place. But also Satan is around so maybe not always. Hmm.

It's been a while

2011-03-04T17:53:00.002+08:00

I haven't blogged in ages!

I didn't even turn on my laptop for a week plus after handing in my last assignment you knoww!!!

Okay anyway today was Jacob and Yvonne's wedding! ~whoo~ I love weddings.

It was quite lovely, too bad I had to leave early ):

Laser tag at Serangoon community park! Boy is that place small. Got lots of mosquito bites but they've subsided already yay! Still have a few scratches though ):

Dinner at Chomp Chomp with Rebecca/Nat/Joshua/Amos/Heng Yong/James/Sam T

YUMMMM

THEN I WENT TO LAN AND PLAYED L4D FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

So much for my little resolution to never play lan lol.

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I put on some makeup for the wedding whee felt so pretty hahahah

Then I went to the blasted park which had no toilets ._. Couldn't change couldn't take off makeup or anything. Ended up walking to srgn central to use the macs toilet. I love srgn central I miss it so much. Sigh.

Also I suck at laser tag. And L4D. HURHUR. I am good at eating good food!

Oh had smelly beancurd for the first time yesterday and I don't really like it! SEE I DON'T LIKE EVERYTHING ONE OKAY haha

um yeah okay lemme see what I'm going to do for this week:

Sunday: Church/Swensens~/Cousin's grandchild's baby shower thing

Mon: ???

Tues: Tutoring cousin

Wed: Crusade thanksgiving etc etc

Thurs: ? (either ching's place to sleepover or movie I guess)

Fri: DG?

Sat: ?

I need to stop planning so many going out days, I'm very broke ):

And also i want some time to myself to watch my shows/movies.

Oh holidays. I need a job! But I want one that's really flexible. I don't want to be working 3-4 days a week and like 6 hours each... Too time consuming and I don't want to put in so much effort either.

---

Sometimes I think about all the possibilities and I feel like hey this could work and if it did it would be so nice etc etc etc

But then I look at the reality of the situation and I think, why am I going through this cycle over and over again?

It's really not worth it.

Unless an obvious change occurs.

But it would have happened by now if it was meant to happen, no?

I don't even know.

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Off to do my KSS lesson goodbyeeeee

CNY~

2011-02-10T15:14:00.002+08:00

CNY 2011 was quite uneventful

Day 1 I went to my (dad's side) eldest aunt's house and uncle's house, then maternal grandmother's place, then Ren Jun's house.

Day 2 was at mum's ex-colleague's house for the entire day. I went home after lunch and went back for dinner cos it was really close to our place.

And yeah. Day 4 was supposed to visit sunday school teacher's house, but we stayed in church cos some teachers houses weren't ready for visiting/other reasons, including Sam. So yeah.

Got lesser angbaos/money this year but whaddaheck, I cant be bothered. My angbao money is still in the angbaos. Hurhur.

Went to Yinshuangs house but not counted cos it was for PD grp assignment! But I still got an angbao from her mum heehee so nice.

How come some people more stingy this year ahhhhhhh LOL 4bux when we know each other so much better than complete strangers that give me 4bux too?

But I know how financially taxing it is to be giving out so many angbaos. But then again you can always not invite so many people to your home right ._.

Just some thoughts, I don't really mind 4bux it's still money haha.

okay just got bored of blogging byeeeeee

Sometimes

2011-01-25T23:51:00.002+08:00

I don't know if my desire to read classics is because of my English tuition teacher

I don't know if my interest in photography/lomo is because I wanna feel/appear cool

I don't know if my thirst for knowing things is because I want to feel more learned than others and correct them/tell them what they don't know/feel more superior than them?

I don't know that wanting to do things that seem like good things can be backed up with not so good motivations?

I don't know why I feel like I am a product of all the influences in my life and not a shred of me is original (which is true, but realising it and feeling this way is weird and kinda sucks)

I don't know why I don't know so many things?

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm not sleeping now?

I'm like liveblogging but not really

2011-01-25T21:03:00.002+08:00

Lesson implementation went pretty well today :D

I did finger painting, so obviously there was a lot of mess, and the stupid apron strings kept breaking like seriously why they broke I will not understand why is it not attached properly to the apron huh huh HUH?!?!?

Okay oops. Yeah but I didn't let the mess get to me, even when Sid flicked his hands and got some paint on the wall lol and he and Bryan were basically grabbing fistfuls of paint and wiping it all over their paper lol it was pretty funny/cute. I loved that they were exploring it so much. Yu Yang and Sean were super cute they kept asking me to wipe their hands when the paint got too goopy on their fingers, thank goodness they were seated away from the messy boys.

IDK man, I just think I love this group so much more than the previous one.

Okay so my supervisor said she thought it was really awesome (no lah she didn't say awesome lol) that I chose to do finger painting cos most people wouldn't do it for fear of the mess :D

So so so happy that she thought this went a lot better than my music and movement lesson! Plus she thought Sid was really cute too HAHAHAHAH

All the cleaning up was pretty worth. And their paintings are actually really nice, except that Sid's and Bryan's were both a greyish shade of red lol.

I love finger painting it's so fun so the kids shouldn't miss out on this wheeeee

okay enough about the lesson I still need to do the evaluation of my lesson.

---

I finished my first roll of film! Sunday I took the peace thing (I forgot what it actually says zzz) above the old sanctuary doors, and I went to my grandmother's and took my mum and aunties making pineapple tarts, and then after that I help them with the little design thingos at the top, not easy to do at allllll.

Then I took assembled but uncooked pineapple starts on the cutting/rolling dough board

I have a lovely container full of tarts at home now yummmmmmmmmmm

Okay then today I was bouncing on the trampoline, I realised I could take a picture of the ceiling fan! LOL Then I went to the balcony and took a picture of the skyline sorta then I took the bricks at the balcony then I look this idk like some light thing then I took the old taxi signs my dad hung at the balcony.

Okay I realise I only mentioned 15 shots I took but I can't remember! Maybe it was at my grandmother's but I forgot. We'll see when I develop the film.

I used the colour filters and flash! WHEE! exciting!

Today when I was loading my next roll of film I couldn't load it properly for some reason and anyway I ended up wasting one frame yikes. Oh well. Better not do that again. Plus I'm shooting in the 12 pic format so each frame costs 50 cents, instead when previously it was 16 shots and they were 30+ cents each.

---

On Sunday I asked my mum to tell my grandmother I was gonna take pics of her during CNY lol. Taking photographs in Hokkien sounds really funny heehee

---

I bought a dress and a cardigan for CNY already omg and now I keep wanting to shop shop shop I got it online so I'm pretty worried, hope it fits well! But I still feel like buying these two things from modparade omg should I should I?

WHY AM I BECOMING SUCH A SPENDTHRIFT I DO NOT KNOW.

Withdrawing money for food is a bad decision and I will not do it anymore! I keep telling myself to deposit some cash back into my account but I never do? So I shall not anymore!

Li Wei disapproves of the modparade pieces. I shall not buy them yet. I am supposed to be kinda broke but I'm still spending like I have my bursary award zzz.

Need to mend my heels so I won't feel like buying another pair! Gotta get more wear outta them before I get new ones.

---

Gonna bathe now. Goodbye

Lights off

2011-01-22T19:47:00.002+08:00

I feel like writing something deep but I have no idea what to type.

-

Dad went for a photog workshop today, and he passed on some good tips for taking good photographs, shots that tell a story. The guy holding the workshop didn't tell them much about the technical side of photography, but I think he gave them a lot more by sharing his experiences and showing them a good picture takes so much more than the right shutter speed/aperture/iso.

I'm thinking about street photog and hopefully I can take interesting shots of people without getting caught!

I want to improve my skillz so bad ahhh.

---

Weird unexplainable feelings and I feel like bursting. Don't worry though it's not necessarily a bad feeling. I don't know. It's kinda mixed. I just want to find a word to describe it so I'll stop feeling like I'm about to implode at any moment.

---

I took another picture today! The red bicycle outside a neighbour's house.

Gonna bring my camera to church/grandma's house and see what else I can take whee!

Film, iTouch, Productivity, Lesson Plans

2011-01-21T18:48:00.003+08:00

So. I got six rolls of film today.

They cost me 6 each ): and developing will cost moreeeeeeee

I dunno, if the pictures turn out the way I want them to I'll continue taking pictures. If after six rolls and I cannot produce good shots... I don't actually know what I'll do haha. Don't want to waste money but then what's the point of me getting the camera then?

So far I've taken 6 shots. I wanted to take the shop at the lrt but the indian guy manning the store was obviously inside and I didn't dare take without permission and I also didn't dare ask him. Zzz. Maybe another day...

It's so weird cos every time I press the shutter I don't even know if I took the picture omg. No indication at all really. Very scary and quite exciting.

Today I took some CNY shop at Waterloo Street, a mosque along Rocher Road, the shops at Haji Lane, some bench at Haji, a cat lazing at Haji, and I tried some double exposure thing, so I took two shots in one frame. Some red tiny flowers on a random shrub on the walk back home and a blue exit sign.

I wanna take people soon! But I don't really want to take conventional posed shots, but then again I feel bad if I catch people off guard and take candid shots which I don't even know will turn out nicely or not.

Meh haha.

Haven't used the flash or the colour filters, cos I took shots outdoors and I forgot to bring the filters but soon soon! Maybe I'll take a shot of angbaos all lined up nicely or something haha.

---

I loveeee my itouch. This photography app is so lovelyyyyyyyyyy. Makes stuff look film-ish wheeee but obviously the real thing holds a lot more attraction for me. I think I was born in the wrong era. Should have been born in the late 40s and been a teenager in the 60s so I could have gotten my hands on $1 Dianas. And other clones. Ahhh and when film wasn't so expensive.

I got a Bible app too! I need internet connection to read it, unless I download some versions, but they don't allow NIV download, dunno why also. I downloaded the NKJV and the English Standard Version. Can read the Bible on the go yay

Not that I can't bring my Bible around but the itouch is obviously so much more portable.

---

After breaking fast...

Productivity has dropped once again. ):

But anyway I'm going to try from now onwards, to not allow myself to open the Bermuda Triangle of Social Networking Sites (FB, Twitter, Tumblr) until I finish whatever I have to finish, then I'll disappear into that black hole for however long I take to check everything.

Need to be disciplined!

Really that I'm a lot more bothered by mess in my room than I used to be, I get annoyed when it starts getting too cluttered cos I was the one that decided to clear it in the first week of Jan. Unlike other times when it was mum that forced me to clear it.

I like this :D

but I wish I had more time to clean more hmm.

---

Lesson plan implementations coming soon...

Visual Arts seem so much easier to plan for and to implement, because the children will have to sit at the table and do work. So relieved I tell you. Doing finger painting O: Hope it turns out well! Need to finish typing out my lesson plan to send to my supervisor sian okay U go do now goodbye.

Distractions

2011-01-18T15:35:00.003+08:00

watching hillsong videos trying to find a song we sang in crusade... not met with much success.

But then I was watching one of the many videos for "One Way" and came across this performance in Korea and the way it was shot is sooooo dreamy

It's like the video version of the pictures a DianaF+ can take.

I love all the blurs, light leaks, the soft and dreamy focusing and everythinggggggggg

And also shows me Asians look good in photographs too. HAHA although I think old people look better than middle aged people. Middle aged people... I dunno they don't really look good in any context, whether in real life or photographs oops. I really don't look forward to being middle aged hahahaha

Anyway I'm very excited about getting film and starting to shoot, which is kinda hindering my work process instead of speeding it up = =

But I've prayed already and hopefully, I won't take it out anymore!

But I figured out what the colour strips were for by reading the manual properly this time round haha they're colour filters to change the colour of the flash, how cool is thattttttttt

and I watch videos so I think I've wasted enough time on my Diana for today and I know most things about how to take photos, although I know next to nothing about different films, but that can be saved for a different day to do research on.

Need to constantly remind myself that I have work due on Thurs and next Tues argh I need to do them rawr

Sorry pretty Diana, you'll only get film in you on Friday I guess

feelings/Diana/celebrations

2011-01-18T10:47:00.003+08:00

You know that feeling when you feel like you're not as important to a friend as that friend is to you? Yeah well. Times like this I tell myself it can't be helped and I have to remember many human/earthly relationships don't last and I'll always have God to lean and reply on, but it diesn't work all the time.

I have lotsa pictures on my wall and just now I was looking at them and missing people I haven't seen for like, 17 days? And um, 2 days lol.

Sometimes I wonder how my parents can stand not seeing friends for so long. Sometimes I hear about their friends (especially my mum, dad's kinda a loner lol) and I really don't understand how she can take it, not seeing a best friend for years on end.

I mean she has new friends and stuff, but I dunno maybe that's the thing about time and relationships and changing lifestyles. I don't want my kids and work to change things ):

On a unrelated topic, I think my work performance has gone up! Whee haha thanks to this fasting thing~ But this isn't about that, it's about God, which I'm kinda disappointed with cos every time I want to read the Bible or something somehow I make excuses and end up not really doing it properly or not doing it at all.

But any improvement in my life is all thanks to Him, really. I can't imagine doing this all on my own.

I've a to-do list written out and determined to finish 8/9 of them! And start on the last one.

And then tuition at the cousin's house. I'm stumped as to how to mark her composition ):

-

I bought a Diana F+ camera yesterday O:

It's limited edition!!! The box says "Diana F+ clone: Qing Hua" The top of the camera and the flash is covered in pretty blue cheena flowers.

Set my wallet back by 230 buckssssssssssss

Yesterday we (Yinshuang/Joseph/Xing Yan/me) went to the Mint Museum of Toys and the Philatelic Museum for this group assignment (which is totally weird cos it's Professional Development and what has museums got to do with that?)

And the Philatelic Museum's near Funan, so I asked Yinshuang if she wanted to go, since she's been wanting a camera for the longest time, and I told her to go to John 3:16 (Uncle Richard Gan's camera shop, <3) cos their service is like awesome but then she went on a Sunday and they're closed on Sundays oops.

Yeah and we're pretty busy with school now so when's the next time we get to go out anyway? So we went and the Diana was calling my nameeeeeeee

Uncle Richard wasn't around which is pretty normal I guess and Samuel his son was busy so this guy called Daniel introduced the Canon G12 to Yinshuang which is like compact on its way to a dslr haha. It's a really good camera, better than mine sigh but obviously more expensive too haha

Yeah and I saw the Diana. Okay so at first it was 250, but a previous customer had lokked at it too and torn the box a little cos he/she was trying to open it the wrong way = =

So I asked if he could give me a better price for that heehee and wheeeeee lowered to 230!

Yinshuang also got the G12 haha.

So now I have very little money left. Need a job during the hols and can CNY come soon I want some money.

But then some of my Dad's side relatives aren't celebrating CNY cos of my Grandmother's passing last Aug. Gotta find friends whose houses are open LOL so cheapo oops

Going to buy cheap film and then test it out, then take pictures of my grandparents and other things during CNY! The pictures are gonna be so oriental and vintage-y whee so exciting

Goodbyeeeee cos I told myself when I finish my work I can go out and find film! So must finish by today and then go on Friday after the field trip haha :D

Fasting

2011-01-15T11:31:00.002+08:00

Whee. Wanted to blog since Thurs when I stated on my fb/tumblr/twitter that I'd be gone for a week, but I haven't been able to. Also, I fell sick = =

Had dinner at Soup Restaurant yesterday with the family after my mum/dad/bro got their new phones (mine's cheaper when you get it online so I'm getting it on Sunday whee) and came home to sleeeeeeep

But not before getting an itouch first HEEHEE. Uh Apple had a offer and I saved $27.10 on my itouch LOLOL. 27 dollars still a lot of money okay! I can get three cups of starbucks with it heh.

Okay about the fasting thing.

On Thursday during Crusade life meeting(henceforth known as LM) we had a crusade staff talk about one of the spiritual disciplines, which obviously is fasting. Then at the end they said we were all going to fast for a week. At first I didn't want to, but then it seemed as if everyone was going to do it, so I didn't say anything. So yes, maybe a little peer pressure at first. Elliot, who was doing the announcement, said we could choose what kind of fast we were going to do. Like a Daniel fast, where he had a vegetarian diet, or mabe we could fast from facebook etc.

So me, Yinshuang, Pearl and Wendy, decided to fast from the following: facebook, tumblr and twitter, and formspring for wendy.

Then I suggested being like Yinshuang for a week. She became a pescetarian(I think that's how you're supposed to spell it) last year during the holidays. Which means she doesn't eat meat(ceot for fish/seafood). Anyway we all agreed~

I drank pork based soup yesterday though ): Cos it was a set deal thing for 4 people and I didn't want to be a spoilsport. I gave my parents my meat though.

I think this is a really good experience! I haven't actually been reading the Bible more, but that's because on Thurs I came home so late and already not feeling so good and Friday I was sick.

I'll definitely read the Bible and read the book I have today though, after I get back from the group assignment meeting thinggg. All these assignments are hindering the recovery process, but nevermind, cos God will heal meeeeeeeeee!

So far I haven't died yet from internet withdrawal. In fact, I don't even feel it. I'm really glad for this because after lesson implementation yesterday, I managed to do my share of the report in like, less than half an hour? It was only 295 words la. If we didn't decide to fast from social networking sites, me and Yinshuang would've wasted probably 1 hour on them.

I think I might extend my facebook fast, until I finish the book I have. It's like a daily devotional thing and takes 60 days to finish, so I'm already at day 2 (today day 3) so I'll be off facebook for another 52 days after the official end of the fast next Thursday. So... about 7 weeks? 1 and a half monthsssssss woah.

Gotta ask Sam Lim how long his was haha.

eeeek gotta go change and leave the house already. Goodbye ya'll

facing personal demons

2011-01-10T22:14:00.002+08:00

Okay maybe not demons, but I don't really have another word for it...

Today Pearl had to collect her laptop from Bukit Timah Shopping Centre, where some servicing place is.

The Dance Station, which is at BTSC(too lazy to type again lol), is the name of the dance studio my ballet teacher now has...

Yeah and I wanted to go and take a look.

So after lunch at a place I can't remember the name of (the food was pretty good) we went down to look for it but then couldn't find it, so we went all the way up to collect Pearl's laptop first. Then I was thinking of asking people around where it was, but then I borrowed Yin Shuang's iPhone instead and checked on their website.

Turns out it was at B2, which was where we went to look for it earlier lolol

Went down again and found it, I was standing outside wondering if I should go in, cos there wasn't anyone at the front counter. Pearl walked over and gave me a little push saying "go la!" so I just went in and craned my neck to see if anyone was in the first room.

I turned back to see the rest looking at the photos of their Dec camp outside and when I looked in the direction of the room again Ms Ong had walked out.

I think she started to say "how can I help you" and I went "hi Ms Ong" and she recognised me and stuff and stuff. "Oh! I didn't recognise you at first you know! Grown so big already!"

Started talking for a bit. She asked me if I was still dancing. I said no. "Not at all?" I shook my head. "You should!"

General inquiries about my mum. Asked me to tell mum to visit her. Asked where I stopped for ballet. Told me to come back and dance. "Come back and dance, you know how many people can't even get their Intermediate?"

Asked if my friends were interested lol. I said they were more interested in Hip Hop. "We have Hip Hop what! Fridays at 8.3pm!"

Went out to tell Pearl/Yin Shuang.

Looked at some of the photos of the Dec Camp.

Asked me to ask mum to visit her again (lol adults/old people)

I asked about Advanced 1 classes, but since the other girls finished A1 they only have Advanced 2 now. Open classes on Sat, too inconvenient.

Zzz.

Okay I was really grateful that Pearl gave me that little shove to go in, before I had time to turn around and have second thoughts. I think if I came here on my own, I'd probably not have gone in at all.

And Ms Ong... I dunno, feels more mellow than before. And anyway when I first go back there's no way she'll be mean to me HEEHEE

Okay whatever. I'm strong enough to work through all that now.

I'm glad I went, I've been wanting to for awhile now but I had friends with me this time and it made things so much easier.

I just don't want to spiral into a ballet consumed life again, so I'll definitely start slow and maybe I'll think of taking exams like next year or something LOLOL

I do miss ballet, and now the traveling distance seems less daunting thanks to the traveling to NP.

I'll go check my schedule and funds before I make a decision!

Wah 2011 is the time for change~~~

guess what

2011-01-09T23:33:00.002+08:00

I didn't do my work ._. But I did do most of the crusade booklet, except for the part where I'm supposed to write down any sins I've committed that God brings to my mind and etc. I'm still filling the list up. And I read the first 10 verses of John. LOL.

Just ate the last slice of the honey baked ham YUM and a packet of Cheezels.

I bounced for about 5 min on the trampoline after bathing lol and used my mum's weird spine aligning thingy for a couple of min to stretch some muscles and to align my spine LOLOL

uh yeah. Dinner was ribeye steak and potato soup someone say YUMZZZZZ?

I'm so terrible.

I finished para 1 of my assignment, skipped para 2 and now I'm on para 3.

Thank God for the long break tomorrow so I can do the group assignment and more work tomorrow.

I think I got the wrong idea of poly from my brother. He was so laid back and used to come home so early when he was schooling. But then again he results weren't that good either lol.

Ahh he always gives me the wrong impression of things. I thought Secondary School would be breezy too you know?!

Gotta go sleep.

Oh I want to mention here that I finally got myself a laptop sleeve! 29.90, it was nice and I didn't want to bother looking for cheaper ones. It's a little big for my mac cos the mac's 13 inches and other laptops are usually 14 inches.

uh okay byebye

really got to stop procrastinating.

Though I'm a pro at it.

Okay that's really lame stop it Eliada

Oh no I'm talking to myself

Motivation

2011-01-09T17:02:00.004+08:00

I've been blogging a lot lately huh I dunno suddenly I have a lot of thoughts haha

Thanksgiving dinner yesterday! Was pretty good, although I could tell it was tough for the organisers to get everyone's attention but I think there was a lot more interaction between people so I think the slight chaos was kinda worth it.

I've been freaking myself out about Teen SG taking away all my time but it's not going to la I dunno why I overreacted hurhur. And it's only starting in March whee my break starts tentatively on Feb 25th!

And we're gonna have SSS classes with Sam Lim yay~~~ Gives me a lot more motivation to do the work they're giving out lol I know that shouldn't be the case but if like Uncle Yuen Soo was teaching me then I'd be totally siannnnnnnnnnn

I wanted to be grounded this year and read some scripture at least thrice a week but man is this tough. Not been praying either but ahhhhh I really want to do this so I will! Also gotta stop trying to do this on my own and let God take over. I have quite a lot of material to work with so that's good!

Crusade booklet, SSS worksheet thingy on John, and the book Wendy gave me for Christmas! It's called Praying for Purpose for Women.

And obviously gotta use the Bible for any of these to make any sense and difference in my life.

Oh and there's Teen SG and SG material soon to come! I think I'm liking this :3

Oh oh and my DG leader did say something very valid the first time we met: the Bible doesn't actually say you have to do QT everyday, I mean, it's recommended lah, but you shouldn't beat yourself up about not doing it. Spending quality time with God trumps the quantity. I don't feel as burdened to do QT anymore after that, although I'm still wondering if I should still get my old QT material out and use it? I should right. To start the day?

Whee this is really quite exciting. Cher I know you read my blog you must remind me to do regular Bible readings/QT/etc okay! HEH. And praying too! I think I might start keeping a prayer book since I tend to wander in my thoughts when I pray. Maybe writing it down will be better.

Rawrrrrr practically haven't started on my school assignments at all ): Gonna do some after doing the crusade booklet session 2.

Okay no more blogging for today.

OKAY WAIT I NEED TO ADD SOMETHING IN FIRST

Today I had no kids for classsssssss ): KSS I mean. Michael has reverted back to his scared self and keep clinging on to Uncle Jimmy so for this week and last week he has been in the second service worship with Uncle Jimmy and then coming up for kiddos singspiration.

IKR I AM SO SAD

but anyway. I think KSS and JSS are really gonna merge! Then they can combine the P1 and P2 class since it's pretty small anyway and I can be free LOL. Maybe help out in the classes where the teachers have kids with difficult behaviours and deal with those kids hurhur

My mum and I are gonna have fun terrorising them LOL oops.

And I wanna try convincing the parents of the toddlers to let them come up and get used to the classroom environment! Like Andrew/Jason/Uncle Seng Meng's daughter lol I dunno what her name is...

BABIES I LOVE 'EM BABIES

HI MARRIED PEEPS, HAVE MORE KIDS CAN? HEH. AT LEAST 2? PLEASE?

I am ridiculous.

ok bye.

Curfew

2011-01-08T15:59:00.002+08:00

Went out with pri sch classmates on Wed.

Told one of them I had to go home at about 10ish and the same conversation when we last met took place: why are your parents so strict?

Eh? My parents wanting me to be home at 10 plus is considered strict?

Why judge my parents on this one aspect? Anyway I think 10 plus quite reasonable leh...

Did your parents let you start traveling on your own and to a place as far as Tampines when you were nine? Did your parents leave you some money and say okay we'll be back in 2 days and go for a conference thing in Malaysia when you were eleven? Did your mother go for a holiday with her friends when your dad was still working in Rwanda when you were sixteen?

My parents are pretty laid back, really. They didn't care if I went to JC or poly after Os, they don't care if I want to be a kindergarten teacher for the rest of my life if that's what I wanted, they didn't push me to continue ballet when i wanted to stop, didn't scold me when I dropped Chem, etc etc.

They just want me to be happy. But not at the expense of shortchanging myself in life. They still want me to go to a Uni and further my studies and better myself, they nag when I don't clean my room, scold when I procrastinate, chide when I don't wash dishes immediately after eating and leave them there for a reaaaally long time, but that's because they care.

I am very very blessed and thankful to have parents who care, but know that some things are not as important in the grand scheme of things and would only sour our relationship if they chose to harp on it.

Wheeeeee

And I'm quite willing to bet that that girl who asked me why my parents were so strict aren't as close to her parents as I am. And I mean parents, not just mothers.

So I totally don't mind having a curfew, even though I don't have one lol. 10 plus is very good exchange for a close relationship to my parents than 12am and not being as close to them.

It's weird

2011-01-08T14:50:00.003+08:00

how everyone is so connected even before we meet.

and now the wonders of facebook and seeing each other's mutual friends make it so much more apparent.

And sometimes when you look at other people's pictures and you realise you once saw these pictures, but never looked at the person you didn't know at the time, and now it just seems so strange that you never noticed them and they're a pretty big part of your life now.

Hmm.

---

This should stop.

---

Thanksgiving dinner later and we're supposed to be bringing something we normally wouldn't bring to church or something. IDK, can I bring my teddy bear?

Why I like nostalgia/reminiscing.

2011-01-08T00:34:00.003+08:00

One thing I like to do often is look at old photos of myself on fb. Before fb, every now and then I'd take out the old photo albums and look at my pictures and mess up the whole place and incur the wrath of my mum LOL.

I've been wondering why I like doing that.

I think I like seeing the changes that seem so slight and minor when it's going on, but is actually a really big change. I was so different in '09.

Also it's really fun seeing other people change heehee

I'm looking at my fb photos now...

at '09 graduation pics.

I miss Zhonghua.

On various things.

2011-01-06T23:26:00.002+08:00

4 months?! I guess I have no choice?

---

I think I found a part time job O:

At the childcare centre that my mum's ex-boss(es) just opened. They have a after-school student care centre too. Which I went to for a while and I didn't like it much oops.

They keep saying they're waiting for me zzz it gets frustrating but wow instant part time job! LOL.

IDK I just wanna work with toddlers and such. I'll contact the principal and ask her soon. Break starts 25th Feb!

My mum went out for dinner with them on Tuesday and told me so yeah... Good exposure, sure, but I kinda want to work in a different environment. Like service staff or something. Cos I'm going to be teaching after I graduate anyway. SEE HOW FIRST~

---

I'm leading the sec 1 teen SG with James and Yi Ting! Yay cos the group's pretty big! Full strength 9 kiddos I think? O: I just had a thought, wouldn't it be weird for Yi Ting to be leading when her brother's in the group?

Anyway I made some cards for the kiddos. Need to buy more of those plain cue card thingos cos I messed up one and I don't have enough to make another. And also to make one more for a guy I don't remember LOLOL. His name's Lucas and I know my mum used to teach him in KSS but I can't remember his face!

Anyway I realised my dad taught these kiddos last year and now I'm taking them muahaha I can imagine Solomon's dismayed face when they announce that I'm going to be taking them HAHAHA

Okay. This is quite exciting I think?

But now my 5th Sundays of the month are goneeeee thanks to the leadership training thing they have goodness I do hope it's useful... And interesting cos I'm going to be tired all the time now.

Oh and 4th Fridays are the teen SG leaders trainings/meetings/briefings whatever you wanna call it.

Tired life here I come rawr

---

I hope KSS merges with JSS. Cos then they'll combine more classes and I might be more free! Just playing around with the toddlers like Andrew/Jason/Dermott WHEEEEE

And less stress, I don't have to prepare lessons and such.

---

Not looking forward to attachment. ):

Going to die for my work I have no idea how to start. Plus I need two lesson plans I hate doing lesson plans I am so uncreative I can't do them arrrrrrghhhhhhh

---

Helping out for Open House tmr whee.

boring job, giving out Dialogue in the Dark tickets for a certain amount of silver/gold coins collected (it's a pirate theme = =). But still! Open House! I get to check out the other stuff too after my shift is over haha

Omg last year I went for Open House with Kez O:

Wow.

TIME JUST PASSED ME BY

2010

2011-01-04T22:37:00.002+08:00

Feel like doing a 'what happened in 2010' post whee

I got my O level results, which at first I was pretty happy with but then deep down I know I could have done slightly better. Meh.
I slacked like a lazy kid until April.
Got into Early Childhood Education in NP, something I knew I'd get into once my results were out. Still though, I was happy. (Duh right it was my first choice)
Started school and started telling people they could call me Elly. A decision I still don't know if I should regret.
Liked school quite a lot. Loved Child Development.
First in class for Child Dev test, really boosted my confidence, although that came crashing down once the lesson implementation for Creative Arts came round.
Granny's passing. I still miss her. I want to go back to the time when I was 8 and she was fine and tell her I love her.
Studying for exams, half was normal studying and the other half was complaining about how I didn't know what to study for.
Getting a GPA of 3.5, C+ for PPCM, AD for Child Dev
The fall. The being jaded. The swearing. The unexplainable unstable emotional state I was in.
Campus Crusade camp.
Going to DG, realising that I actually do have compassion for the lost and I do want to be close to God and I can still do this.
Christmas. Shopping for gifts and cards was lovely. Crusade party was fun save for the creepiness. Christmas service was nice with limmy around
Church camp and crazy shopping! Sermons were okay and leading kids worship wasn't too difficult.
NYE and NY with Chingaling/Limmy/Sam/Bing/John/Elvina+Wilson

The all round in-between complaning about the lack of hot guys in school and how I wanted a crush. haha I take that back now I have no time to like anyone. Hot guys every once in a while in school or outside are very welcome though.

Overall my year wasn't bad, but some bad experiences just spoiled the whole thing.

I liked how I spent my NYE/NYD, really. I wish it would have lasted longer so I wouldn't have had to come back to reality and start life. And also have more time to sleep in the wondrous MBS bed. And watch powerpuff girls. What! I don't have cable tv haha

Holidays where art thou? Come soon, Feb 25th. I want my break!

What a mess.

2011-01-04T16:18:00.002+08:00

My mum got a little pissed off with our increasingly messy house a couple weeks ago after we came home from my grandmother's house. She said when asked, my cousin said our house was the messiest. And she started nagging about it.

I really can't be bothered with what my cousin says, I mean, their family has a maid and a grandmother at home all the time and the maid will be cleaning and both will be nagging at the kids to keep their stuff properly.

I know how I am, and I'm not making any excuses for myself, but if he were to live in my situation where my mum only nags at night when she's at home and he can get away with ignoring her for a bit, he'd be as messy. Or maybe not but a lot messier than he is now.

Plus he doesn't have a room of his own to mess up.

I know it's not the point but I can't stand it when my mum said that cos hello, I think I'm a lot better than him overall.

Ah. I'm judging him. He's never given me anything to prove me wrong though. He's very hot-tempered and stubborn, and he doesn't realise how studying is actually important and will help him get out of the education system faster.

I'm going to make a prediction, and I really sincerely hope he proves me wrong: he won't do well for PSLE and will go to the Normal Tech stream. Right now he's not doing well in school either, failed practically all his 4 subjects at one point or another. His English is atrocious.

Actually it doesn't matter if he's not academically inclined, but his attitude sometimes makes you want to strangle him.

Anyway my mum wants to hire a part-time domestic helper. But I need to make everything neat before she can actually come and clean. Sometimes stuff is strewn all over my room floor and is impossible to vacuum/mop. Oops.

I think the point of this post was to wish my mum didn't mind his comment so much. We're a lot better off in so many areas and this one lousy aspect doesn't mean we're terrible people. Maybe she feels like it's a reflection of her housekeeping abilities but she doesn't have the time and it's not her fault, it's mine ):

I think a more important reflection of her is how she brought her children up and I think she did a pretty darn good job for a gangly witty boy and overthinking sensitive girl.

Okay I'm going back at attempting to clear my room. Make my momma proud~

Zzz why am I such a hoarder ): I have so many unfinished notebooks I don't know if I should throw them away

The lack of appreciation

2011-01-04T00:56:00.003+08:00

So. KSS and JSS are contemplating a merger. And Uncle Pat was asking if Uncle Teck Bee(he wasn't around) would teach the older kids cos they need male teachers, and we kinda disagreed cos he was so nice and even the young kids liked to bully him and all

And Uncle Pat was saying he should assess his effectiveness in teaching in that case, even though he had the heart to serve, and etc

I know I'm not putting this across very well but oh well

I think we might have over exaggerated the situation a little, because although he gets bullied by the kids it's in a good way and he still gets his lessons across in the end. It's just that the kids know they can be noisier and rowdier in his class and ask him for more sweets. With the young kids it's fine, but I don't think he can handle the older kids well.

Anyway the whole point of me typing this is because I starting thinking that this kind of mindset is exactly why not a lot of people are stepping up and serving in the children's ministry. And actually for all the other ministries too. Shouldn't we be glad for the people that are willing to serve, even though they might not be very good?

Not to say Uncle Pat doesn't appreciate Uncle Tek Bee, but his tone was kinda harsh to me.

Like when we were Sec 4 and saying how Uncle Nelson was kinda draggy and naggy at times and during church camp when Uncle Kim Yew's worship slides weren't in the same powerpoint presentation and when his songs didn't flow.

Obviously things can be improved, and constructive feedback should be given, but the attitude towards these people should be positive.

But for us kids who see things pretty clearly, it's difficult to give feedback...

Everyone always says just serve and God will give you the skills to cope etc, but then people really do it and when they don't measure up to expectations the grumbling starts. And they don't even bother offering advice to said person.

And in the first place we don't have enough people serving...

I've yet to figure out a way to do this to adults subtly without them realising. It'll be a very useful skill haha

I've made up my mind not to think that James isn't ready to lead a teen SG. Because even if he can't I'll help him and next time he'll be the one helping the younger kiddos.

---

I'm loving this positivity hurhur. Wanna spread this to jaded adults

2011

2011-01-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

I'm mildly unaffected that's already the new year, yet panicking at the thought of this year.

It's strange. I offered to lead the sec 1 teen SG yesterday, after Faith tried to get me to lead the sec 2 gorup with her, but I really can't stand the thought of leading raph and the other boys. I might kill them omg. So I said I didn't mind the sec 1s, and I think James is going to need A LOT of help leading them. I also did it because I want to do something to improve the situation in church. We're not bonded at all and I want to be pro-active about it and not just complain about the situation.

NYE celebrations was quite the experience, although I'm pretty sure I'll never do anything of that sort again, plus it wan't my cup of tea.

MBS was quite lovely, the bed is SO GREAT. LOL. Infinity pool, the jacuzzi, the complimentary chocolates...

I feel kinda bad for not going to watchnight service, but this was good and I don't regret it. I mean, if they more youth to go they should make it more attractive right! And end on time. They did for this one but it's not like that all the time and I don't want to sit in the sermon wondering why the speaker can't just get on with it and let us celebrate.

Anyway I wanna go to Thailand this year, so I'm going to miss another watchnight service.

So... new year, and I'm already up to my knees in commitments and assignments.

I guess this means I won't be getting attached this year then. LOLOL

Teen SG, Kindergarten Sunday School, S4G, DG, school, tutoring my cousin

I am really terrified.

Which is why I hope this will make all the more inclined to remember that I cannot do this on my own and I will get the strength I need from God and rely on Him.

I do have high hopes for this year.

And many resolutions, but I'm not telling anyone. Apparently when you tell someone your new year resolutions, most of the time you get a positive response, and you feel pretty good about it, which the brain mistakes for actually doing it. Mistaking the talking for the doing is something I do A LOT. So now I'm not going to tell anyone and see how it goes.

But you can still ask me to remember to track my progress haha.

New year, new beginnings.

New complications.

Let's do this.

Stuff, and stuff, and then some.

2010-12-18T23:29:00.000+08:00

Campus Crusade Christmas party today!

I had a nice time (: And I already have 3 Christmas gifts! O: One's from my secret santa, Sherry, the other is from Wenday, and the third is a couple of cookies from Anna and Melanie!

Not you Melanie Tan heehee

We played monopoly deal after dinner -.- seriously we are so addicted to this game. Terrible.

I really enjoyed singing the carols! They're my favourite, besides eating good food, obviously heh. Rawr I wish we were going caroling this year. I love going caroling.

Asked Dad how to make delicious mashed potato heehee! Just gotta ask the rest of they mind me putting some spring onion and garlic in... Or maybe I shouldn't since I'm making Shepherd's pie and not just mashed potato? Hmm see now.

I wanna make peanut butter fudge for 26th! For the kids! But I still have molasses maybe I should make gingerbread men! Maybe both!

My baking thing is getting so strong ahhhhhhhh I want to bake Christmas goodies ahhhhhh

Was thinking of relationships while in the shower today...

How do you tell a friend they're annoying you? How to deal with unwanted attention tactfully? Are there any couples these days that resist physical intimacy?

I suppose the friend one is the easiest. If they're really you're friend, and you tell them, they'll probably stop doing it. Or at least try. Unwanted attention? I really don't know. How are you supposed to tell someone to leave you the hell alone? And not stare at you? And not be creepy, in general?

The couple thing, I know most couples have their first kiss at least a couple of months after being together, are there any that don't and save it till they marry? My sec 1 Lit teacher said her first kiss with her husband was at th altar. Also I read some book and the couple also had their first kiss when they married. Is this still possible?

I had friends tell me I don't understand, when you're in a relationship it will happen, but I know the not kissing thing is possible, those couples I mentioned dated for at least like 2 years... I wonder if there are souls out there that want to try this?

Oh and on trying to stop liking someone... I think it's near impossible to just tell yourself you don't like the person anymore, and just stop. I've had many relapses. But I can truthfully say I don't like anyone now. It's over. I might be attracted to guys but no, still not considered liking them. I've been crushing on guys for so long, and I haven't been for quite a few months now... I wonder of my definition of crush has changed. I mean, I think I might have considered mere attraction to be a crush like maybe even a year ago.

but crush isn't really the right word I'm looking for to describe this. Crush is so casual. I'm talking more like, really really liking a person. And most likely you don't know why you like this person. You try very hard to befriend this person. Etc.

Maybe I'm tired of the whole unrequited thing. But I've been looking for eyecandy for so long and there has been a dismal amount of hot guys around. I dunno, distraction from the fact the I am rather lonely is welcome, I guess.

I want an intelligent dude who can put up with my crazy. Hopefully, looks-wise, like me. Not too attractive haha. But intelligence is always attractive.

I think a lot. Heh.

---

I keep playing zuma blitz. Not as many people play it as compared to bejeweled blitz, so I'm like 2nd on the leaderboard heehee! So exciting LOL.

But it's hard to get the high score ): I can't go past 352000. Rawr.

The only sian thing about it is that you have 6 lives, and each takes about 8 min to recharge or something, and I end up having to wait after all my lives are used up. Annoying! Good thing is that I won't be too addicted when I need to work! After the lives are gone I can do work and wait for them all the recharge. Heh.

So... that's all from me for now...

2010-12-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

Mabel and Chloe like me... so I feel like I still have hope. I am worried they will turn out to be dumb kids ): I guess the centre's pretty average, but they don't really stretch the children, and even if they want to it's done in a fun way.

Have a feeling the kids haven't cultivated a love of learning.

That's like, the most important thing to me. No matter what happens I want the kids I teach to love learning. So that they won't give up at school, and they'll always seek to improve themselves.

I like to think I am like that sometimes, although my love for learning is limited to interesting facts and tv shows, famous people, etc.

What am I doing I'm supposed to do my reflection Zzz

my thoughts just all spilled out

2010-12-17T22:56:00.003+08:00

I feel a lot better about teaching now.

It's not that my lesson plan went really well, in fact, it was quite similar to the previous one.

I was kinda defeated at the end, but my field prac supervisor is soooooooooo nice! She pointed out things that she thought I did well, and I didn't even consider it as a good point. She was really understanding, and she said at the end that she didn't want this experience to affect me.

I'm so thankful and grateful for her, serious. At first I thought she might be pretty strict cos she has like really good posture lol and was sitting ramrod straight on the chair. Wowzers, even me, a dancer, don't do that. I mean, a former dancer = =

So anyway I have sort of a love/hate opinion of my mentor. Actually not really love/hate more like okay/frustrated. She doesn't know what's going on half the time and we have to tell her what's going on, mainly me cos my friend is also clueless. Which is like weird cos I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't know anything.

She asked if she had to assess us = = LIKE DUH then we do for what sia! And then she asked if she was supposed to give us her evaluation of the lesson and I was like DUH NO okay I didn't say DUH la. Seriously though.

And then my friend is like, kinda irresponsible? She left me to email the field prac sup after the sup first told us she wasn't free on the 14th. I didn't reply at first, and the sup emailed again asking if we had received the email, and I was thinking, why didn't G email her, I thought she was quite responsible one?

Maybe she puts in more effort in doing the lesson plan, making the lesson fun, and maybe she starts her assignments earlier, but at the attachment and stuff I get kinda pissed. And then now I feel guilty cos I remembered that she has some family issues.

BUT LIKE, cannot excuse her all the time right? It's really sad, I know, but she has to live with it. But I'll definitely be more tactful around that sensitive issue.

Aiyah IDK. In the shower I was like, I wanna get a better GPA than her.

Why so competitive against someone else, and not myself?

Sigh.

Anyway I think I'm pretty good at writing reflections. LOL. Or maybe it's called being good at writing what the mentor/lecturer/FP sup wants to see, heehee

Bullshitting skills.

anyway, mentor. I know I have a lotof things I could improve on, but seriously, no words of encouragement? No understanding of the fact that it's my first time implementing a music and movement lesson? And also that G was working at the centre and therefore the kids know her better?

She tried saying something nice, but it just felt patronizing. She said she enjoyed G's lesson, it was interesting, then she said actually, both are interesting, just that I didn't have as much of a success in implementing it as compared to G

MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF ONLY

I feel so annoyed at the fact that the principal hired my friend. Damn annoyed. Can you tell I'm trying not to swear? I already have in my mind, but typing it out makes it feel so concrete. I tell myself I can't be bothered, I don't care for that centre anyway, I dunno how they teach those kids to be so stupid. Some keep calling G teacher Pavee instead of teacher G, and some anyhow call me. Caden can never remember my name.

So difficult to remember meh? And wtf, cannot even differentiate between G and tr. Pavee? G is like so dark skinned and tr. P is like fairer. Just cos they're both Indians = =

THE KIDS ARE RACIST OR WHAT.

I'm being so crazy Zzz.

OKAYYYY

Ms R is really niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

And the FP lecturer Ms mona is actually pretty nice, we thought she was fierce and stuff, esp on the first couple of weeks. She gave us gifts today! O: Cute paperclip things and chocolate and a mini chupa chup! So nice!

oh and I painted the tops of the shakers all black. The kids were fighting over colours the last time so I eliminated that problem. HA TAKE THAT LITTLE BUGGERS

but they still fought over the shkers ;_; seriously, I really want to slap those kids. Can't even help me a bit and listen to me.

The toddlers were so excited to see me! AHHH I love them so much. Mabel and Chloe ♥♥♥

G's going back to the centre on tuesday, I wanna go and see the toddlers! NO K1 or K2 NO NO NO

Sigh. This post don't make much sense

I have 2 grp assignments and 1 individual. The individual one is a huge assignment, but it's like only 30% = =but still must do well Zzz

okay reflection time for realz now goobye

2010-12-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

I have a thought. An idea.

This came after my first implementation plan on Tuesday with my mentor. I'm afraid she failed me, btw. It went horribly. Stupid kids did not listen to me. My mentor even stopped my lesson to scold the kids, wtf. And apparently my friend did A LOT better and the kids had fun.

So obviously I started questioning if I was up to this. I really hate K1 and K2 kids though. I want to work with babies forever.

So at first I thought, I just need to work with toddlers and nursery kiddos.

But um as usual I thought too much

I don't know if I want to work as a teacher at all...

Then because I miss dance/ballet so much I started thinking about if I could do ballet, and teach. That's the idea. But I'm so bad at ballet already = =

But I can't shake the idea that I'd be such a awesome teacher. Letting the kids have fun and still learning. And I'd get to interact with teens, and no obnoxious boys. No annoying boys.

I DON'T KNOW.

Need to do my assignment now. just wanted to type this out before I implode from all my thoughts.

2010-12-07T15:07:00.003+08:00

So much for God planning everything out for me

The centre's having a field trip and Christmas party on the 10th! Which means NO FIELD PRAC SUPERVISOR COMING DOWN ON THE 10TH

I should have checked, but good old me didn't think to ask if there was anything on Zzz.

And we should have scheduled it for today, I guess, but I'm still sick, so that wouldn't have worked out either...

I'm so frustrated, cos now we can only have it on 17th Dec and that's the due date for the file.

Right now my day looks like this:

Go to school for a one hour class

Rush down to the centre

Do the lesson

Wait for the evaluation

Do my reflection

Go back to school

Hand in the file

How frustrating!

It's the traveling that sucks. I'm going to spend like 4.5hours traveling like whutttttttt.

I'm trying to justify to myself that we couldn't have had it today anyway.

But my friend could have done it today I guess? But then she didn't go for attachment today either, idk why. Also she didn't email the field prac supervisor at all after the first one, I did the rest. Tsk, that girl. Kinda frustrated with her too.

frustrated at everything la

still got the checklist thing to do omg. and book review zzz. don't look at those two assignments like very easy like that. very difficult okay. i have no more willpower to use capital letters at the start of sentences anymore

rawr

Little miracles are important.

2010-12-06T11:32:00.003+08:00

I'm sick. ):

But I can't deny God's been at work in my life.

Last Monday I blogged

I was bathing, and I thought, this sucks, I still have the assignment to complete, God help me please? Then wondering if I was too much, and if he'd really help me when I need it.

And I went to sleep after doing quite a bit of work, deciding to wake up earlier to do some more before attachment, cos I still had to tutor my cousin after that. So I did wake up early, but I didn't manage to do any work = = Okay the point is, my aunt fb messaged me, said my cousin was going out, and when was I free to tutor her? And so my Tuesday was freed up. My assignment was due on Wednesday. In the end I completed it, although it was slipshod and I didn't put a whole lot of effort into it, but given my tendency to procrastinate, I really don't know what would have happened without the extra time.

That's the first thing. Something I kinda asked God for and He answered. And the only conclusion I can come up with is He's drawing me back? I think I want to but I'm scared of disappointing Him and myself again (and sometimes, I feel like the disappointing myself overrides the disappointing Him...)

The next thing.

We(I have a friend doing attachment on Tues with me) were supposed to have our field practicum(FP) supervisors over to our attachment centres to observe implementation of our Music and Movement lesson plans. So we had 2 Tuesdays scheduled to do it, one for the supervisor, and the other is a different lesson plan for the mentor to evaluate. The FP supervisor initially said okay for 14 Dec, but then she emailed again saying she wasn't free. I got pretty pissed off, cos now we had to find another day for her to come over and I didn't want 7 Dec cos it was too fast ;_; Anyway we could do this Friday, cos we don't have class every Friday.

And she agreed, so I was like okay at least we have a bit of time to compose ourselves and maybe practice or something on Tues, but I fell sick.

Imagine if she was coming tomorrow. I'd be a goner. How to be lively and conduct class and not spread my germs around all at the same time?

Feels a lot like God making her busy on the Tuesday and being free on the Friday and arranging everything BEFORE I got sick.

Doesn't seem like coincidence to me.

So. I realised like last night for the Fp supervisor thing? And for the assignment one... I thought of it and then I kinda tried ignoring it, and I didn't get to blog about it either, but now that both have happened ow can I pass off either of these as just a mere mortal coincidence?

I think I'm going to need a change in my attitude.

One step at a time, too much at once can be very overwhelming.

But I'm feeling hopeful. Sorta excited, really. Kinda re-established the fact that God is very very real.

I know it's a lot of words here, but if you read everything, CONGRATS! Uh, I have nothing left to say. I need to do my lesson plan for the FP supervisor by today, but first I'm going to prayyyyyy~

If you want stuff you need to get the money.

2010-12-02T23:10:00.003+08:00

I desperately need:

New shoes. Anything, Vans, flats, whatever. I just need new ones, preferably two pairs. Need to go hunting, Zzz. My new ones from the flea, one of the soles started detaching from the shoe and now I need to buy glue or something. Maybe send it to the cobbler. My shoes always do this to me, it's really frustrating. So right now I have one pair of flats and two pairs of wedges waiting to be fixed. It's so frustrating! Really makes me want to buy expensive shoes haha but then again they might spoil. No guarantees yeah.

Jeans. Must get them soon! F21 here I come.

Oh and and and and I can't wait for my teeshirts to come~~~~

The owners of dftba.com sent me a confirmation email and it was so personal, I felt so special haha

And it makes me happy to think Hank Green sent me an email LOLOL. Cheap thrills, they probably send the same one to everyone anyway...

But yay DFTBA and Sons of Admirals! Whee~

When are they coming ): All I know is that they shipped it yesterday, so I hope it comes before next Tuesday!

I also very badly want John Green's books.

Need to get a job next holidays!

2010-11-29T23:57:00.003+08:00

I think I feel like I'm losing a sense of who I am because being a Christian used to be such a defining aspect of me, of my life, and now it's so shaky I'm losing a hold on my life. Even though I was really more of a Sunday Christian. But at least I was very sure of what I believed in. And now I don't.

I was bathing, and I thought, this sucks, I still have the assignment to complete, God help me please? Then wondering if I was too much, and if he'd really help me when I need it.

Okay. Work time. For real.

I'm not me

2010-11-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

Long day. Taking the shuttle bus to school and taking 74 to Hougang, I didn't really feel like I slept at all. On the bus, I mean. I don't remember sleeping, I remember thinking, mostly, but then again I couldn't remember much of what I was thinking about.

You know how sometimes you're just thinking too much when you're trying to sleep? Well I felt like I was half thinking, half asleep. Like I think so much that my brain ignores it and just tries to rest. Although it doesn't really feel like I got any.

Then I was reading at the Hougang bus stop, The Jane Austen Book Club, and then I was thinking again...

Why are all their lives so sad.

Anyway, classmate was in a bad mood today, and when I was on the bus I felt like I was so much more like myself at that time, trying to get her out of it but then thinking that I was saying too much then shutting up again.

And then she was better, and we waited for 2 other girls to borrow some books to use as references for their essays, I got so pissed waiting for them. And those that were taking the bus from the same side all got on their buses first and I was like fuck, I didn't sign up for this, it's so late, why did I wait, now I'm the last to get on my bus and I take one and a half freaking hours to get home.

And the second part is how I'm not so much like myself.

Reading makes me feel different emotions, and this book... I felt a kind of heavy burden weighing down inside me.

And I hate all the sexual bits in there. And how sad everyone is so far. Divorced, unhappily single, mother died, betrayed by lover, and still one more to go. One more background story. Probably another tragic one.

Most of my friends expect me to have kids in the future. Many. I dunno though, I think I wanna be the godmother to all my friend's kids first. Sometimes I think I won't get married, I'll have pets and then adopt when I'm financially secure. Or it'll be enough to be a godmother and I'll be the old lady with cats.

I think I'll be alone a lot more than I did in the past.

If someone is the center of your world and that person leaves, what would you do?

Try to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life? Or just exist and wait for the next person to come find you?

I don't like the idea of being so dependent on a single person, though. I'm already so affected by the slightest things my friends do and to be like that...

I'm actually quite terrified of the day I like a guy and he likes me back. Oh and he has the guts to tell me. Quite afraid.

So at times I think, maybe it's better to be the old lady with the cats. But I dunno, I'm some kind of hopeless romantic. Always hoping for the perfect story. But then again I feel sort of jaded.

So what am I?

And what's wrong with me?

---

Too. Many. Assignments. They're not like, super tough or anything, but too much at one shot, gosh. And this is not secondary school, hand in homework late also nevermind.

Don't understand what Ngee Ann's deal is. Such a strict policy on being late and lecturers getting pissed over you not paying attention/participating but they don't give you clearer guidelines as to how to do your assignments properly.

Or am I too spoonfed from secondary school.

Supposed to do work, so I should stop thinking and start doing.

ESSAYYYY

2010-11-28T21:43:00.002+08:00

Just thought I'd say I'm alright?

Zzz 1400 word essay due on Wed and I've not started.

I really don't know how I'm going to get my 3.8GPA like this... I'm quite frustrated with myself but oh well this always happens so I can't say I'm surprised.

Going to start today, hopefully get half of the first and second components of the essay.

Baked a choc cake yesterday for Cher's surprise birthday thingy today, the cake was kinda bad idk I didn't like it much, although the frosting was good. I suppose I should take some liquids out... like use less water/milk.

CAN YOU BELIEVE CHERZY TRIED TO USE A MICROWAVE OVEN TO BAKE A MARBLE CAKE

Cherzy you should just look for those no-bake kinda recipes since you don't have an oven haha

Okay, gonna bathe, eat edamame and do my assignment.

I wanna buy these tshirts from the intarnetz, like one Sons of Admirals and one DFTBA. Bet you don't know what they mean but it'a okay~~~ I kinda like the idea that I can wear it to school and only a few people will understand.

Like in Sec 2 I really wanted a TWLOHA shirt but I had no money and somehow now everyone knows about it. But it's all good cos it's for a good cause! twloha only, not the rest.

Right. Goodbye.

This wasn't supposed to be sad.

2010-11-27T01:56:00.002+08:00

Argh. Tumblr isn't loading and it's really frustrating.

Funny how it gets you so addicted.

I realised how much I miss Shannen and Claudia and UChan ):

They're the only ones I don't meet up with often Zzz. The last time was in May for out birthdays THAT IS LIKE SO LONG AGO CAN?

IDK it's so weird I feel like we really only exist in a group. Does that even make sense? Anyway we're meeting up soon! So excited. Actually can't wait to see UChan's face when I give her her birthday present. Her birthday's actually tomorrow. Hurhur.

And Jayne's coming to SG and so is Winnie omg how exciting? Yeah I know my vocabulary's lacking at the moment.

But these people remind me so much of my Sec 2 days, before we got split up into different classes and how Shannen and Claudia hang out with their e4 peeps plus Lishi at times and I feel so weirdly left out because I never really made a close friend in 3e5. Sabrina's great, but we're not close. And now we're all over the place, TJC, VJC, TP, NP, but kinda evenly split lol. 2 in JCs and 2 in Polys.

And Jayne and Winnie coming means a click clique reunion. So much of my time was spent on the forums in Chatgasm with them at the end of the year after tc5 had come to Zhonghua. They exposed me a lot to the intarnetz and different bands and music, and I also found out the internet can be kinda mean. And sometimes you can fight back lol. They actually made me a lot more aware of the world around me, and also taught me that I shouldn't be ignorant about things.

Feels like a blast from the past. Maybe I'll be more like Sec 2 self after all these interactions. I liked 14 year old me. Bit childish but I was sad and all in Sec 3 and not stressed in Sec 4.

And not like now, bored in the first three quarters of the year then finding out that boredom was actually emptiness and loneliness is disguise.

And crying my eyes out again. And the suddenly desire to cry after that episode at the most random moments. I think it's pretty safe to say that that period the week before school started to about the second week of school was the worse. Worse phase or period(I mean time, not menstrual cycle) I've ever been through. I didn't even feel like this when grandma passed away.

IDK what reflection post this is lol. WHY ISN'T TUMBLR LOADING STILL RAWR

Actually I want to mix the best bits of 2007 and the best bits of 2009 together.

Esix, Shannen/Claudia/UChan but minus the Claudia and UChan drama, Keziah and the Mraz madness minus her madness about doing well for the Os, Chingmay but no Nisa drama, Sibyl but no Dave sadness, Me but without the liking multiple guys one after another, Click Clique but without the ~scene~ conflict...

But life's never ever like that is it?

I guess... we have to live with it.

---

The thing that scares me the most? Neglect. I'm scared to death that people wont need me anymore or want to be around me anymore. Every time I feel like I'm initiating contact I'm terrified they're gonna be pissed and when they go out with other friends more than me I feel so unimportant. And when they come to me with problems and I don't know what to say I feel so contrived and all I can do is type ): and -hug- and I wish I could be there to hug them in person but I can't and I feel useless.

What is this insecurity.

Mostly I can tell my friends almost everything, except things like this. If they're pissing me off or if they're making me sad.

Even though no one's really doing it now. IDK.

I just. feel. so pathetic and like I've not done a single thing with my life.

Why the f do I always have to think so much.

Damnit I should have gone to sleep after reading instead of trying to refresh Tumblr. Look at what happened.

Just wanna go back to sec 2 now please. When the biggest issue was that I liked a dude who liked my friend. And my horrible school grades.

Oh great Tumblr's now partially loaded. Now I don't know if I should go to bed or refresh some more. Fuck this I'm going to bed. Also, I'd stopped using the word fuck in Sec 2. And I didn't use it out loud until that time. This used to be the easiest thing for me to control, and now I don't have control over anything. Nothing.

To think that I shared Christ with someone just yesterday. I didn't want to do it but I did. Maybe I shouldn't have. What pathetic example am I giving.

What happened to the past few weeks of getting better and feeling hopeful again omg. I really hope it's just me and not like, external forces playing a part. Cos if there is, GTFO. Oh lookie here using the wrong approach again. Argh.

Tumblr this is your fault. Good night/morning.

Get a move on there's work to be done.

2010-11-21T20:38:00.002+08:00

Life's been pretty normal.

I don't feel bad about taking the tutoring thing away from my cousin cos she didn't really give a shit when she came the first week, didn't look like she cared much. So.

Tutoring my 14 year old cousin... a lot more annoying. My aunt wants to pay me with meals. Pfft. But it's quite a challenge, I guess I don't mind. Doing a lot of things my tuition teacher did, I kinda miss tuition with her.

Oh. My cousin doesn't know what the meaning of the word "assume" is. Seriously? She has this vocab assessment book only, as if that's enough for practice = = Anyway I wrote down all the words she didn't understand and asked her to find the meanings of the first ten words and make two sentences each. Gonna buy a comprehension book for her too. Dunno about composition maybe I have a book lying around somewhere.

Goodness knows if her standard of English will improve, I stayed for dinner and we were talking and she was switching between Singlish and Hokkien.

IDK I really wish she paid me. ): I think I might just blow this off after a couple more weeks and as school gives me more work.

---

I know I can't base religion on my feelings but on Friday I felt like I could be open to being filled by the Spirit, and then reverting back to my pissed-off self in service today. I felt pretty crappy and completely undeserving of standing there and knowing I didn't really mean what I was singing.

IDK also. I really don't know but here's to hoping it'll only get better from here.

---

WATCHING HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS ON TUESDAY

with Janice Nicky and Rebecca! Must prepare tissues. POOR DOBBY OMG.

---

Want to buy so many things! Was debating between Keds and Vans but Janice said there were cheap ones at New Look. Gonna check those out before I make a decision! And I am still very tempted by Zara shorts/pants. Ugh.

And there's still those jeans at f21 for $31!

And I am wondering if I should start using makeup. Just like, a bit for coverage.

My real problem is my hair though. I thought Silkpro was bad, but after using Essential shampoo my hair has reverted to it's greasy state at the end of the day. Ugh. I really need shampoo for oily hair I guess. Poly peeps have been asking me "Why is your hair so wet?" Zzz. It's not wet, it's GREASE OMG ):

Gonna use Asience after my Essential runs out! I like the smell of the Essential shampoo though, yummy ^^ I hope I find something that suits me because buying different types can be so exhausting. Buying, then finding it's not suitable, then continuing to use till it it runs out, then trying another one...

Zzz.

Ah well. Gonna bathe now and then make a list of all the stuff I need to do and do some e-learning stuff.

Good bye. For now.

2010-11-09T23:55:00.003+08:00

UGH MY SECOND AUNT MAKES ME SO MAD

She called earlier because I'm tutoring my cousin, more out of fun/experience than anything, and her daughter's having sch hols now and was gonna teach said cousin when I mercilessly took the job away. Whatever. Bitch removed me from friends on facebook. I don't really care about her. I might give her some of the moneh though, I don't know yet. Not like my aunt's paying a lot of money anyway.

Anyway she said her daughter didn't have my phone number and wanted to ask what time I was going down on Friday. I said I wasn't sure, maybe around 2 plus cos I have a stupid learning journey thing = =

Then she asked what I was going to teach. I said I don't know, because I don't. AND SHE HAD THE NERVE to go "you dunno what to teach or you dunno how to teach"

Back off, woman. As if your daughter would have any idea either. And just because you work in a early childhood setting does not mean you can speak in that tone. It's rude.

She was also the one telling me doing early childhood means I wouldn't earn much. Pfft. As if I have no ambition and would work as a teacher my entire life. And also, I may talk about getting a rich husband sometimes, but I don't really mean it.

IDK her tone and the way she speaks really gets to me. And she keeps asking what I'm doing in school and goes like oh haven't you done this yet? Or that? When are you going to do this?

Piss off omg. Not like you have anything constructive or useful to say anyway.

I AM SUCH A BITCH BUT SHE REALLY GETS TO ME ):

Shoppinggggggggggggggg

2010-11-07T20:39:00.003+08:00

Going to (finally) make my atm card on Tues wheeeeeeeeee

I might go crazy shopping after. Bursary money is beckoning to me heehee

FLB4 on Sat SO EXCITING

Seriously I might be going mad from lack of shopping HURHUR I miss buying things so much

I feeling like buying everything in sight omg.

Very tempted to go to Zara to buy pants/shorts. MEHHHHHHH

Shall try to restrict myself. There's church camp still and I gotta have some money to get cheapo stuff heh

Anyway weighed myself at gramdma's house I put on weight ew. Should probably get off my fat bum and see if I can join NP's dance or something.

I want expensive heels omg what is wrong with meeeeeeeee

---

Wanted to type something emoish but how to when there are no nice attractive guys around tsk.

Defining moments.

2010-11-05T15:50:00.002+08:00

The shower. I think a lot there.

I've been much better ^^ Maybe it was really just a weird phase thing I went through.

I was thinking in the shower and also after I showered. You know how there are moments that determine things in a person's life, and those moments can affect your life drastically.

For a certain person, there was a moment where we could've been close friends. I was about to tell (let's just call said person X) X about this guy I used to like. We were around this person for the entire day practically but there was a short amount of time where we were alone.

I tried not to be too obvious, because this person was still on my mind and I was still getting over him, so I said to X "hey you know blabla..."

But X was too busy telling me about X's problem. And I listened to X. I didn't tell X about him. I though, ah well I guess I wasn't meant to tell this particular secret of sorts to X.

I think X thinks we're pretty good friends, but I don't share that view. I'm sorry but really, no.

I know sometimes I think I give a lot of myself to my friends, but my friends also take quite a bit of nonsense from me. X has never had that privilege of having to endure my nonsense for an extended period of time. So.

---

Guys, if you're not hot or cute or stuff, take note.

1. Do not ask for a girl's timetable when all you want to do is have lunch. It's creepy. (okay, good looking guys cant do this either)

2. Do not try and act cute. It's gross.

3. Do not talk to a girl repeatedly (online or off) when she does not seem to be thrilled about it.

I might have more later. I'm sorry, it's not that girls are superficial but looks do kinda play a part in how we perceive you. And if you're not good looking acting cute is so off the cards.

um. yeah I need to go off now hurhur Deepavali at Tashka's house wheeee yummmm

If I'm now thinking about it it should be fine

2010-10-30T21:30:00.002+08:00

No crying today, yay. Slight annoyance when Mum was yelling cos I didn't vacuum the floor to her expectations earlier.

I didn't put on make up for the kids in the end lol, the aunties did it. Seriously do they have to cake on so much. Poor kids. I put hair gel for the boys heehee. Spiked their hair seriously cute. Bit harder for the dude with longer hair but it looked pretty okay hurhur

RYOTA IS FRGGIN CUTEEEEEEE

okay sorry but Japanese boys are v cute okay. He's only 3~ I am going to BCK next long sem break if I don't work heh. I didn't bring my camera ): They were all so adorable omg

hmm nothing much more I guess.

I'm making meringue ghosts from leftover egg whites! So fitting since it's Halloween tomorrow.

stream of consciousness seems to be a-flowin' but I don't know which way my brain is going

2010-10-29T16:16:00.003+08:00

Uh. This is brain vomit. The things I typed just jump from one to the other.

------------------------------------

Man, am I on a roll.

Since I'm all getting feelings out there and stuff, here goes. This a while back but it doesn't mean I wasn't affected.

Remember Pit Stop? One day youth retreat at church. We were supposed to be with either our S4Gs or Teen SGs. Guess what. Only Mel and I went and Cher/Janice were like in the comm and with the young adults organising stuff and also Cher had gained a new kid lol

Okay the point is. I had no group. Mel has her own teen SG. So I joined them but I felt so fucking alone. I was looking through my facebook photos cos I have nothing else to do right now and it's too late to nap, so.

Looking at the picture I dunno just felt stupid. I was an outsider no question bout that.

I wish I had my long hair back.

I wish none of this happened

I wish I didn't cos it made things like this. My fault, should have let go when I could've huh.

Let's just be clear: I haven't actually told anyone the whole story of how I got into this. I might tell someone eventually but don't expect anything out of me.

Shit, I miss everyone. But not everyone. Does anyone get this.

On Sunday I went down to bucks with tiramisu in hand for chingalingling and I was telling her how earlier that day in church I had given my phone the finger cos of an annoying text. She went "omg Elly why you so vulgar now"

Also after my outburst post she was like omg why you scold fuck you cannot scold

I DON'T KNOW WHY EITHER OMG

Haven't said it loud enough for anyone ears to pick up on but yeah I've been doing it under my breath, in my head.

Someone please come and save me.

Let's not even talk about God. I don't know Him and after camp I feel like it'd only be irresponsible, what with all the things they talked about. Talking to him is not enough. He's not my to-go person only when I'm sad. Jesus is not here at my convenience and disposal. I can't commit to working out a relationship and I cannot bring myself to do this to him again, I feel like I'm self justifying my ignoring him but at this point whatever I do isn't making me feel any better so whatever. Being in crusade, I don't know. I can't sing songs properly can't worship can't pray can't can't can't.

(this is about 20-30min later)

OH YES. RELATIVES, STOP ASKING ME TO DO THINGS FOR YOU

Or at least ask nicely. Don't ask through my dad. Call me directly. Try sounding genuine, how bout that. Anyway I'm not baking for her in the end so meh.

If I said no STOP ASKING REPEATEDLY. Another aunt this time. She asked me to tutor her delinquent daughter English and Science cos she's repeating sec 2. I have rejected her before.

Reasons:

1. I am her cousin, she's not going to take me seriously. We tried before anyway when she was in sec 1 and that didn't turn out so well, did it.

2. I am not qualified to teach her.

3. She's not interested in learning.

The last time I helped out all I got was free meals. It's not that big of an incentive to make me want to do this properly and what happened was we couldn't really even concentrate for the stipulated 1.5 hours. We used an assessment book and she didn't take the exercises seriously. I'd tell her to do this page and she'd get stuck and I'd say do you understand the meaning of this word and she'd say no and I had to tell her to check the damn dictionary before she did it.

My aunt keeps asking omg.

I think the only reason she's going to accept is I have no time for her stupid daughter who doesn't know how to appreciate what she has.

I know I'm older so they kinda expect me to be giving more and I really have no problems with that but seriously you cannot expect me to be so free as to give free tuition to your kid who does not give a fuck about her education. Free lunch, by the way, is not considered payment.

I do not understand. Get a proper tutor. Or not. Whatever. Just don't ask me because I can't do it.

My mum doesn't get it. I guess she thinks I'd be more of an example if I help but seriously what kind of example can I be. Maybe also a testimony for my aunt but I can't do it I really cannot. And she asked when school started so um too bad I really have no time now. Actually Fridays are pretty lax but still.

Why is it that I feel pretty okay alone but I feel lonely when I'm with people

I'm pretty worried for my 3rd uncle/Godfather though. Every time I ask my mum what's wrong with him she does "Same lor. The bacteria thing"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT BACTERIA THING

I thought it was his stomach? But he's had 2 operations so far to drain excess fluid in his brain so WHAT IS GOING ON I'D LIKE TO KNOW

And then Mum went on to say "then they're doing some more things..."

SO FRUSTRATING.

And worrying. I just want to know what is going on zzz

---

Going to church tomorrow to put on make up for the bck kids graduation thingo. whee kids. They are the best people.

2010-10-29T15:20:00.003+08:00

I feel like an idiot because people have legit reasons for feeling shitty and I don't. Like promos or boys or something. I really can't think of anything. Or I can come up with so many things.

Still feel like loser though meh.

Maybe I should make soliloquy private.

You probably meant well but I don't need people telling other people about what I post here when they don't originally read my blog. Unnecessary, really. Really unnecessary.

Don't need the concern can everyone just be normal

Then at least I'd have a chance at feeling normal.

not again, not again

2010-10-29T14:07:00.003+08:00

One hour of school today. Mona is scary.

Yesterday at crusade after poly day of prayer which wasn't too bad cos we didn't exactly pray a lot and I didn't feel so contridictory, Elliot (group leader during camp) asked me something which I remember lol and when I replied he was like "I finally get to hear your voice! You were so quiet, you and Sarah were so quiet during camp."

I feel very disconnected from myself. Not really me anymore. I tear up at the slightest things. Like when I was getting off the bus yesterday and I saw Bianca and she waited with me till my next bus came and when it did and I boarded, suddenly I thought wow, I really miss zhonghua company and I wanted to cry. And before that she was like "Are you okay? You look so pale and tired." I realised I really look like crap and people can tell. Then again I had just woken up from sleeping on the bus so I dunno for sure.

Also just now taking the lift this girl was with her grandmother and the way she was holding her hand and leading her in/out of the lift omg, I wanted to cry. I never did anything for mine. I miss her.

And yesterday Dad(actually today... after 12 midnight) told me to clear the rubbish and I was like whut why are you telling me this now I want to sleep already but he had already gone to his room and I got frustrated and I cried for a bit. What? And I didn't throw out the trash in the end.

I don't understand what's happening at all.

And I don't know how to tell people either. This is probably my only outlet. Stupid, really. Making it public. But quite honestly I don't know how to deal with it. Just feel like I'd be bothering people.

Yesterday Wendy/Yinshuang/Pearl all asked me if I was okay quite a few times.

I'm so tired too.

And my fuse is so short these days.

I would post this somewhere else, really, but poly classmates can see over there and I don't want them to. The lesser they know the better. I don't want people to start acting weird around me.

In the past I would see sad posts and stuff and I wouldn't understand, but now I think I do? I dunno, there seems to be a reason for other people's problems, but I just am. Sad. Or maybe it's a whole collection of things and I don't know anymore.

Oh I killed a bug in the toilet the other day. Ugh. I used my tumbler and there was a cracking sound thing. It was black and yellow stripey things I think? IDK SO SCARY OKAY

Bought two rings from f21 and am now broke. I love my rings.

I miss you.

2010-10-28T00:05:00.002+08:00

esix, click boardies, zhonghua in general.

esix for fun and laughter, boardies for non judgement, ~girls~ for ~girly~ times.

I even miss Chingmay and I just saw her on Sunday.

I just wish I knew what the hell my problem is so I can try to fix it. Sometimes it feels like church driving me crazy. Other times it's weird inexplicable feelings of loneliness. And so on.

Childish remnents of a dusty weeping willow

2010-10-27T11:01:00.002+08:00

Can I just say I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ADULTS

Sat I didn't go home after S4G steamboat, which was really a lot better than I anticipated. Slept at Mel's and wore her plain black Cotton On tee and red long skirt thingo and after service I went to my classroom before the kids arrived and Aunty Moi Suan, who sometimes helps me out, was like "wah today wear until so sey ah"

SINCE WHEN DID DRESSING SEXY CONSTITUTE OF WEARING LONG SKIRTS HUH?! HUH HUH HUH

HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay end rant.

Lecturer is the HMS director omg.

---

Why is everyone's lives so sad. I gotta get out of this rut.

Is this something I do. Avoid and ignore whatever's wrong with me and focus on other people's needs. And then it comes up to a point where I can't really handle it and in turn resent the people around me for not realising I'm not okay.

I feel like changing my email address.

2010-10-23T13:46:00.001+08:00

funny how so much can change within a week.

2010-10-22T14:37:00.002+08:00

It's strange. After my outburst and camp now I find some people increasingly difficult to talk to. Like they're so much more annoying. And I really wonder if's me that changed or did they get more insufferable?

I don't know.

Back.

2010-10-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

Back from Campus Crusade camp.

Didn't really want to go for camp, but it was 35 bucks and I didn't want to have paid for nothing. And lovely peeps like Kez told me it would be a pretty good distraction, so I decided to go.

It was okay overall, I guess. A lot of the messages I felt I could relate to or was me, but it was a lot to take in.

Good stuff: People were nice, food was pretty okay, I got to do something I never thought I'd do, and I got to sleep in an air conditioned room for three nights. Worship is unlike any BC camp I've attended. People sing. Loudly. They worship for real. Messages and workshops make a lot of sense, even though some of it was basic. And I probably needed the basic stuff. I don't even have it. Games were kinda fun, but the time management was not that great. Probably because the camp comm were also very involved in the workshop.

Not so awesome stuff: Too much, all at once. Yesterday we had to go do street evangelism at various polys and I went to RP, where CC is underground (should I be posting this? I'll edit later I guess) I shared, but I didn't ask anyone if they'd like to receive Christ right on the spot. It felt very strange to me, I didn't want people to think I was selling something. Or trying to force them into something. The great commission thing was too much too.

Yesterday we had the last message and at the end the speaker asked if we would like to commit to sharing Christ with the people around us. And if we wanted to, after praying we would stand and she would pray for all those that stood up. I was sitting down hugging my legs to my chest and I wasn't even really praying. It was a weird struggle and after a bit I was like, okay I'm not going to stand. Not when I can't even commit to a relationship with God. But it felt so weird I was sitting in front and I was sure everyone would see me sitting down and I was burying my head in my knees and i was all tearing and soon I was crying noiselessly.

Too. Much. Also after that I had to endure concerned are you okays from the two girls sitting next to me. Which made me want to cry again, basically. Then prayer and praise I felt weird initially cos everyone was jumping and dancing but later I was okay with it. I figured, if kids and jump and dance when they worship, why can't grown people? We're supposed to be child-like in our faith anyway so having this much enthusiasm for worship wasn't a bad thing, just that I wasn't used to it. But I seriously didn't feel much like praying. I did, but it was generic, and I don't know, there weren't sincere much. Hopefully God sees the sincerity of all the others and disregards my weirdness. And my prayers won't be for show.

I dunno this camp was a distraction, yeah, but I still don't know. My attitude and mindset has been like this for so long that I have practically no faith in it changing. Which is wrong. It's like I'm belittling God and I feel like I can choose not do but I'm not.

Something is pretty wrong.

Oh and everyone was so spritually and stuff it felt weird. There was a non-christian at camp and she left on the third day. Overwhelmed. I understand how she feels.

2010-10-18T00:04:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry. I guess I'm so used to trying to handle it myself I don't even know how to accept help?

oh welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll ):

but yay friends. love you all.

done.

2010-10-17T20:17:00.005+08:00

Lately I've been using my childhood photos as profile pictures.

I think I just want to go back to when the stress came from stupid homework and if I'd be able to finish in time to go watch tv or play. When I felt sad because Dad was overseas working and not around. When that was the only sadness. I want everything to be simple again lesser conflicts no bitches no problems. At least not any problems that were glaringly obvious. None that affected me, anyway.

Yesterday I legit had a nightmare when I was awake and I started crying like an idiot because I am one and seriously, I don't know why you had to do this to me that you became the monster under my bed. Sobbing like when I was 5 and I dreamed there was a shark in the swimming pool. I wanted my Mummy but she was in KL.

Turns out I was scaring myself, or maybe God helped, I wouldn't know, but it wasn't bad. But that woman makes me very stressed out. Makes me feel inadequate. She once made me cry, and yesterday she didn't even have to be there to see to it. It sucks. Sucks how I'm so easily affected and how strong she comes across.

I never thought I'd seriously consider leaving the church and attending somewhere else but yesterday everything happened all at once and it was too overwhelming. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't want to pretend that everything's fine and dandy when it's not. I'm technically spiritually dead and no one even knows.

Master of pretense and avoidance I am. I'm so conditioned. When I entered the sanctuary today I didn't even want to be in there, and by the time S4G rolled around I closed in prayer and asked God for things that would most likely not happen in my life, but acted as if I would. I am a hypocrite.

For the first time in a long time I didn't want to go to church. It was habit and I didn't have an opinion after my wanting to go to church stopped, , but yesterday I didn't even want to go anymore. I used to think, at least I go once a week I have some sort of contact with God, but I'm just a liar. Lying to myself and the people around me. People that buy my lies. People that don't see below the surface. I went to church ultimately because of my kids. Also I wanted to talk to Li Wei but oh well.

I want to go somewhere else, somewhere new, where people don't know me as the good little church girl that attends every week and looks like she's being attentive during sermon/sunday school. I tried. I wanted to be interested. I was, but I don't know. It went away.

I'm a fucking hypocrite. I can't even spell that expletive right I spelled it funcking. I can't even be bad. But I'm not good.

People need to stop assuming the kids we were are not the people we are now.

People piss me off too. I know I have no right to judge them but wtf. It's not cool. Okay. Don't come and go whenever you choose, don't come and pretend to be even interested, then leave halfway saying you have something on. You were dead weight. Your presence was not appreciated. Don't come and exclaim in that fucking annoying voice like omg, you guys actually gave a fuck for this stupid thing?. You didn't say that but your tone was just fucking condescending. THEN DON'T EVEN SHOW UP ASSHATS.

And damnit do you have to be so obsessed with winning? WE WON, WHY ASK ME THE SCORE. IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. And you should have sent the schedule. We were cought off guard today. The last thing I thought you were was irresponsible. I always feel so bad when I think these thoughts I know you meant well but it got a little too much.

STOP BEING SO WHINY. No one wants to hear it, okay.

STOP WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY. IDGAFF if you have no friends.

STOP TRYING TO ACT CLOSE. GDIAF

STOP TEXTING ME OUT OF FORMALITY IF YOU WANTED ME TO GO YOU'D ASK IN PERSON

STOP SITTING IN CLASS AND STRESSING ME OUT WHY MUST IT FEEL LIKE A TEST

GO AHEAD AND NOT TALK NOT TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL IF YOU WANT. GO AND TELL SOMEONE ELSE WHY DON'T YOU. GO AND TELL HER EVERYTHING, THAT PERSON YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN FOR AWHILE. IF YOU DON'T WANT MY HELP I'M NOT OFFERING ANYMORE.

I GIVE UP. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. DO WHAT YOU WANT.

I'M DONE BEING THE VOICE OF REASON THE "MUM" OF GROUPS I'M DONE BEING THERE FOR ANYONE WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING SO HARD WHEN NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, WHEN NO ONE CAN TELL WHEN I NEED A FRIEND

I'M DONE.

I know there are people that are genuine in church, people that don't make me want to roll my eyes at or feel weird around, people that don't make me feel like they're judging me constantly, like Cher, Janice T, Nicky, Yixin,(for the youth) at least the ones I talk more often to, but when I pretend to people in church I do it to them to. ): And I don't want to lie any longer. It's hurting me more than I thought it was.

I desperately need some God time and alone time and away from other hypocrites.

edit: it's a couple hours later and I don't really want to post this for the world to see, but I think it being out there will really force me to realise what's become of my life? I don't know if I will ever summon the strength to leave BC, or even the strength not to leave. Nothing's set in stone.

Now I wish I hadn't sweared but oh well.

another edit: did I really type sweared. But the word swore, does it work? I think it does?

Friday Night Lights is a show I do not watch but wish I did. Also, today is Friday. At least it was when I starting typing.

2010-10-16T01:11:00.005+08:00

Today I went for Charlene's bbq/potluck thing at her place! Also to celebrate her birthday. She's a lovely hostess. I baked chocolate fudge cookies, and they broke because I didn't give them enough time to cool down first and harden. Oh well it just means there's more to go around yeah? And you can pick the size you desire haha. Big medium small tiny pieces.

I realised how much I was missing out on human contact when we were leaving. Was with a big group walking all the way to the interchange and people were leaving. Then this bus came and all the remaining people left. Leaving me alone and I felt odd. Something mingled with loneliness.

I had a really great time, seeing people I wouldn't normally meet up with like Fel, Lee Chin, the E5 boys, Charlene herself, Joseph, Yiwei, Ivan, Boon Kiat. It's funny how we can not meet up for so long but it's easy to fall into conversation still. Well actually I didn't talk much, ha. But it was so nice being surrounded by so many people.

Also saw how far along the construction for Nexx was coming along. I don't exactly know how many Xs there are in it lol. The multi-storey carpark is huge. Anyway when we visit Zhonghua in the future we'll never have to think too much about where to go after that. Still remember prize-giving day a bunch of us ended up in Changi Airport LOL.

Ahhhh poly's pretty cool I like the place okay the workload's good the people are friendly my classmates are nice

BUT I MISS ZHSS SO MUCH. I don't mind studying Math again, although it would be quite weird/stupid to do that. Must. Try. To. Move. On. At least we meet up every once in awhile. I suppose these gatherings will lessen as time goes on ):

I'm glad this week was more eventful! Wed baking with Sibyl/Chingmay, Wed-Thurs staying over at Chingmay's and playing with Zegna the cutie (she's a Golden Retriever/Labrador mix puppy!), Fri baking the choc fudge cookies and the bbq/potluck, and tmr (which is Sat) I'm meeting Mel for a little window shopping then dinner with Mel/Faith/Alex/Nathan and maybe Grace? I should go out on Sunday yeah? Maybe do some real shopping. Maybe Dad will give me some money. I do legitimately need new flats, mine are worn out already.

Shopping list:
1. High-waisted pants
2. Flats
3. Circle skirts
4. Sephora lip gloss
5. Maxi dress/floral dress
6. Heels maybe?
7. Tops that are loose and roomy for this disgusting heat.
8. Stretchy jeans. Preferably dark coloured and skinny. (F21 has grey ones for 31 I might get those!)

To remind myself not to want everything I see in Zara or Pull and Bear or Topshop. LOL

Okay should sleep now bye. Does anyone still read this anyway

blahhh

2010-10-11T17:01:00.002+08:00

I wonder if people are more irritating or I'm less tolerant of annoying people.

I was so frustrated yesterday for awhile because some have the best intentions but still manage to be overbearing about it. And I know I shouldn't be self-righteous or judgmental but some people just piss me off so bad and they don't even know, and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

clothes. need. cheap. please?

2010-10-11T00:44:00.002+08:00

Today I was reminded again of how different my taste in clothes is from a lot of Singaporean teen girls.

I really want to go to places like Bugis Street and Far East Plaza and come out with bags full of cheap clothes but I keep falling in love with clothes from Zara and Topshop and Pull and Bear

like today I keep showing Li Wei awesome pieces of clothes from Zara. ):

I'll never be able to afford those. Actually even if I did I wouldn't want to spend 80 bucks on a dress/shirt/skirt

Frustrating. But I shall continue trying my luck at first two mentioned places.

I wish we had more thrifting places.

It was mailed!

2010-10-01T22:32:00.002+08:00

Got my results back today!

Not exactly happy zzz. But obviously it was because of my internet usage that got me to this place. And also inattentiveness.

But I got a distinction for my fave module! Which makes me happyyyyyyyy cos I was worried I wouldn't score well on that.

And a lousy C+ for Prins and Pracs of Clsrm Mngmnt. Which all of us dislike (except Pam. Pam loves Asha. No idea. why.)

3.53 GPA but I don't know I'm so unsatisfied with this.

Where's my 3.8 ):

haha okay enough whining. Gotta pull up my GPA to a lovely 3.8 I don't careeee

Family dinner thang tmr! Eating at this awesome place called Chin Lee. Owner used to be my dad's student and his food is amazingggggggg the cereal crayfish is genius. Like, totally genius.

bout of bad luck,

2010-09-26T20:27:00.002+08:00

I fell down the staircase in Zhonghua ):

I stepped on my hairdryer plug ):

I got my period. ):

I cried today for a very stupid reason ):

Okay so we were at Zhonghua and Li Wei Keying me were going to get our bags and PLAY WITH LANTERNS WHEEEEEEEE heh. I fell down the spiral staircase! Quite a few steps, my shin got the brunt of it. It is now bruised.

After going home I stayed up till really late/early video chatting with Sibyl. Then when I finally decided to sleep it was too darn hot so I tried turning on the air conditioning but the batteries on my remote were dead so I took my brother's. After returning it I stepped on my hairdryer plug which had traveled out a little from under the bed. At first I thought I was just going to see an imprint of the plug on my foot but alas! This flap of skin came off. ;_;

Had trouble walking when I woke up. Then I got my period at about 6pm ):

Today after church we went to my grandmother's and I went to take a nap. And when I nap I sleep for like 3 hours lol or more heh. Anyway it was time for dinner and my mum asked my brother to wake me up. He came into the room and went "RAHHHHH!"

I was so shocked I started crying.

I hate being all hormonal ):

So embarrassing because my mum found me in the room tearing and she told everyone ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ not that I was on my period but that I cried cos of what my brother did.

They then treated me like an invalid like say whut?

Anyway my cousin, who's 11, was so annoying. He asked what happened cos he didn't know, and his mum replied with something like "Jairus korkor scare(or was it bully idk) Eliada jiejie"? AND HE WAS ALL LOUD WHISPERING TO MY AUNT SAYING HE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO MY BROTHER IF IT HAD HAPPENED TO HIM. Okay then I interjected with a monotonic "I was sleeping" AND HE WAS ALL LOUD WHISPERING AGAIN SAYING HE WOULD NOT HAVE WOKEN UP LIKE DUDE IF YOU DIDN'T WAKE UP IT WOULD BECAUSE YOU'RE A PIG AND WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A GO AT BEING HORMONAL HUH YOU THINK YOU'RE THAT GREAT

okay just releasing steam okay I'm okay.

yeah I don't even know why I cried lol, because this isn't the first time my brother's done this to me. So embarrassing.

So, in conclusion, I'm bruised, can't walk, might have cramps soon and cried for no apparent reason.

):

Unexpected post, this was.

2010-09-24T15:54:00.005+08:00

Going back to Zhonghua in a little bit! So excited.

I can't not miss that place, even with it being occupied by the most annoying people ever: Dolly and Noraini being a few of those. Without them we would have lesser things to talk about, to reminisce the old times with. Sometimes I wish the education system was different, I wouldn't mind another 2 years in Zhonghua, so kinda like high school? But then again I don't know how much more of Math I could take. And being absolutely flabbergasted at whatever came out of Noraini's mouth.

Ahh anyway I miss it still.

I need more clothes ):

All my after-exam to-dos just flew out the window. Was supposed to clean my room, but lookie here still as messy as ever. It's a never ending pile of things I'll always need to clear and stuff I'm supposed to but I won't because of ~sentimental~ value or I think it will ultimately come in handy one day. lol not much point when I won't be able to find it anyway because of the mess. Sigh.

I want yoghurt, zzz. Had some on Tuesday when I went to have steamboat with Cherlyn/YY/Danielle BUT NOT ENOUGH okay. I wanna try J.Co's too! I used to put Fruity Pebbles on my Yami Yogurt all the time but now I'm discovering pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds are really good too lol. I dunno about fruits, strawberries can be too sour at times?

Roar does this post not prove how much of a life I do not have? ):

Ah whatever. Going to Zhonghua for a lovely time.

And I said I know I can't take one more step towards you

2010-09-18T15:18:00.004+08:00

"Who do you think you are?"

Went to church yesterday for the Adult Christian Fellowship. Yeah, I only went cos Dad went and there was no dinner at home. Ended up watching G-Force with the kids instead of the adult prog they had heehee. Had a good laugh at some parts that were pretty genius and laughing at the stupidity of the rest of the show. SERIOUSLY, GUINEA PIGS AND A MOLE LOL

---

On the bus thinking about last year and I got so upset with myself. I keep doing the same thing over and over. What makes it okay to do that especially since it has not worked out before? But I still keep doing it.

This song makes me legit depressed. Okay maybe not depressed but certainly puts me in a sad mood.

Yeah romantic love story and shizz right, I don't know it reminds me of something that makes me unhappy.

?

2010-09-13T23:26:00.002+08:00

I don't actually know what to say here anymore.

All the deep stuff is over at my ~*speshul place*~ and I don't feel the draw of blogging about the mundane things in my life.

And besides I have no life, I'm quite bored these days.

Gonna play me some sims 3 tomorrow and feel more occupied. For some reason videos have been loading really slowly ): ANTM is loading REAL SLOW UGH.

SEE WHAT I MEAN THIS STUFF IS SO BORING.

Um. Oh today I came across this anorexic person's tumblr. And I was looking through at all the pictures she reblogged of all these skinny people and I was thinking

omg so skinny whut?

And Mum heated some food and I was eating so so so sinful and good fatty pork and it was really good haha I was thought

I will never be anorexic lol. I can literally still eat after seeing all those pictures and posts of her counting her calories how do you even count calories how many calories does an apple have? Different types of apples different sizes HOW TO COUNT? and talking about starving themselves and exercising like mad omg I actually got a bit freaked out

Okay. But I still feel kinda porky now HA. Need exercise, too lazy to do it.

Rawr.

Oh yeah I really want new clothes. And shoes.

So... I don't have anything else to say?

"Update Your Lousy Blog"

2010-09-02T23:18:00.001+08:00

Updated.

I hope you're satisfied

8D

2010-08-27T21:49:00.002+08:00

Does anyone still read this?

Anyway. I'm real glad and all at how well I've been doing so far at school,

but seriously why do my classmates deny me the chance to whine ):

me: OMG IM GOING TO FAIL THE ITA TEST

them: aiyah you sure get A one la

btw I got a C. heng never fail.

yeah ): To them I'm this person that does well for mostly everything but still complains about school and worries about not doing well.

We all know one of these people.

Person: OMG I DIDN'T STUDY IM GOING TO FAIL SO BAD

results come out and they got a reasonably good mark.

I AM SO NOT THAT PERSON

I feel sad at the fact that I can no longer whine. Except maybe to Yanling haha.

Is this like a price to pay for doing well in school zzz.

heaven is a wonderful place

2010-08-13T12:22:00.002+08:00

If you don't already know...

Grandma just went back to heaven on Wednesday.

Cried on Wed, I think I might again on Sunday when the cremation takes place. Rargh don't want to because I know 2nd/3rd aunt will be probably be wailing and howling and screaming.

Yesterday the pastor from Bartley Christian Church was praying after everything and I felt so weird cos he was focusing on her death and stuff and I didn't want to cry and all that shit

so I started thinking of how it'll be when I die and I see her again but that made me want to cry too LOL.

Okay anyway. After today's wake there'll be 2 days left!

I don't think I'll do a five day thing for mum/dad next time, so exhausting. I know we did this so Uncle David and Auntie Vera would be able to come back in time.

I don't know the purpose of this post, really. But if you read this feel free to come and visit me till Sat haha, it's tiring having to make polite conversation with the adults all the time.

2010-07-28T09:18:00.001+08:00

You only know as much as I reveal

Don't think you know me when you don't

or just because you read my blog and facebook statuses.

This is for the people who assume.

--

Not that anyone has done that to me yet haha but Mel was complaining and I thought of this. Trufax.

ok off to school baibai

Rant here hello.

2010-07-19T23:59:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder if my attachment experience is what it's supposed to be. Is this what the lecturers/course manager want me to go through?

I'm genuinely dreading it every week. I really hope next semester we'll all be posted to different centres because I want a mentor that has the time to explain things to me properly and is actually on the ball, knows exactly what I'm supposed to learn. I think I need that kind of instruction before I get confident enough to be more independent and also to be more pro-active and take charge of my learning. I'm not getting that.

I'm doing attachment with Geetha (like thank goodness I don't have to do this alone) and it's really helped me not wanting to wake up every Tuesday and drag my butt to the centre. Anyway the principal of the place spoke to her about part-time work during the sem break. (Is that allowed? Legit stuff? I dunno.)

She didn't talk to me. Okay anyway G told me she said that she thinks G has potential and yada the usual stuff and etc. Got me a bit miffed, actually. Just got the feeling that she(principal) doesn't want me to know. So um does she think I have no potential then? Pfft. Rah now I sound like a jealous bitch ):

I'm not jealous, but I think I might be bitter. Argh. I don't want to be. I don't think I would enjoy working there, I mean, I don't even like going there now. Money is a nice incentive but still.

I feel blessed to have my KSS class every Sunday now, they're kinda like my trainers, whipping me into shape for a real classroom later on. I love doing things for them, like doing the name cards and trying to make Bible stories more interesting and relating the stories to them. Aw <3>

But I do want to be validated, assured that I do have the chops, that I have what it takes to make it. But oh well if I can't get it from the centre I just have to go elsewhere. And I'm pretty sure God's backing me up on this one. All I need is his approval but sometimes it's hard to ignore humans.

Okay so I don't know if I'm still making sense anymore, this sounded so much better in my head hahaha.

I can go through another couple weeks of attachment, and I will do a good job on my file and reflection. I can do this. I can also do well for STB story telling on Wednesday and I can make good props and use them well for the story. (OMG I just had a brainwave~ awesome idea for props ^^) And also CDEV individual reflection and EEPE and WRITCOMM I WILL CONQUER ASSIGNMENTS.

And then play like crazy during the break wheeeeee. But I wanna work too. Earn some moolah, go to Thailand end of the year.

And now I shall give the Lok a proper shoutout cos I'm in the mood. Aren't you glad?

HELLO. It was really awesome having you back, gave me many more reasons to go out during the term break LOL and I think I watched more movies than I would have if you weren't here. Thanks for buying that huge bag of Nougats haha can you believe I haven't finished them I'm so nice I'm gonna give some to Mel till they're all gone aren't you touched. Now that you've gone back don't miss me (and SOMEONE) too much, study hard and go to a good college in Cali/Texas where you won't freeze your butt off anymore like in London. Also, get an international license please, so you can drive us around next time. You should treat us to dinner too cos you're much richer than I am. Thanks in advance LOLOL

Once.

2010-07-15T11:43:00.003+08:00

GLEE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD.

I finished watching it yesterday *cries*

I need MOARRRRRRRR

Okay at least there's Gossip Girl heh.

I really like the Glee covers of oldies and stuff. 8D

I dunno what to say now. Um.

Okay so Monday I skipped French, oops, met Mel at the airport and did some work. She tried to study lol. Then Alex and Nathan yadayada blah blah did you know the only reason why I'm typing this is becasue the dude with an ego the size of texas wants to read about himself

Lok go read Mel's blog you'll be much happier there.

I AM SO BORED I'M IN CLASS AND I LOST ALL MY BLOGGING SKILLS.

I DON'T REALLY CARE I WANT TO WATCH GOSSIPGIRL ZZZ

SUP PEEPZ

2010-07-09T11:39:00.003+08:00

You Are Gracious and Amicable

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

People see you as a complete enigma, and only you truly understand who you are.
You spend most of your time introspecting and seeking truth.
You're a very interesting person... but not many people know you enough to realize it.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

whoo Yinshuang was at her old livejournal and saying how she was such a 'gin na'(child) last time so I came here and happened to click on August 08. Saw this and it's pretty accurate :O

I am not organised lol. I only get things into order when I can't stand the mess anoymore... and my tolerance for mess is pretty high lol.

OKAY DOING PPCM WHICH IS 40% NEED TO KEEP UP MY As and Bs STREAK!!!!!!!!!

First time like whoa

2010-07-08T11:30:00.002+08:00

Okay so today...

We got back our Child Dev test papers and I got called first. I was all nervousness cos Ms Tina was shaking her head and sighing when she saw our reaction to getting back the papers. We were excited lol, cos we thought we'd have them back earlier. Then after she sighed and stuff I was like SHIT NO DON'T GIVE ME BACK cos I'm always the one getting the low scores for tests and every time a teacher looks like that I know I'm screwed.

Okay so she called me first and I was all omg I don't dare to look so I went back to my seat then I looked at my paper and my score was pretty good so I was like "yay great my score's okay I'm okay phew"

Then she gave out more papers and Pam and Wendy were like EH ELLY DID YOU GET THE HIGHEST SCORE WHAT"S YOUR MARK and I was stunned cos I couldn't understand why they said I got the highest.

Anyway they said they figured out she was giving out papers according to marks and apparently she smiled at me and stuff when she gave me my paper lol.

OMG SIA SERIOUSLY FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE

Okay. Blessings from God like whoa. Zhonghua has trained me well too(lol). I honestly am not bragging but I really didn't study much for the test so it's super MINDBLOWN. All glory goes to God.

And as with all annoying shits that get first in class I shall now say that I can still improve. But it is true. But annoying. I know how people who didn't score well feel. But yeah. Okay.

Okay now it's Asha's class and it's boring nonsense. Practically everything is from the textbook and of all the stories she talks about half is recycled every week. Zzz.

Okay I have to do assignments to keep up my grades so far. Must have A+ A+ A+ A+ !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I've used Okay for the last three paragrahs what bad connectors byebye

Um.

2010-07-02T00:16:00.002+08:00

Something I got off this girl's tumblr, someone wrote on her formspring. No idea who's the original writer dude. It's insensitive humour heh.

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELIN' LIKE DER FUHRER WRITE MEIN KAMPF TELL GERMANY I'M GUNNA MAKE RACE PURER BEFORE I LEAVE FUCK MY NIECE WITH EVA BRAUN TOO CYZ WHEN I LEAVE FOR MEIN REICH IM GUNNA KILL SOME JEWS IM TALKIN TAKIN OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES CLOTHES GASSIN THEM TILL THEY CHOKE CHOKE THROWIN EM IN SOME STOVES STOVES GOOSE STEPPING RIGHT INTO ALL YOUR CITIES SPREADIN THE NAZI PARTY TRYING TO TAKE OVER YOUR COUNTRYYYY

DONT STOP MAKE EM DROP NAZIS BLOW YOUR CITIES UP TONIGHT, THEY GUNNA FIGHT TIL YOU GIVE INTO THE REICH

And it ends there. Haha okay I feel kinda mean but it happened so long ago and the words really fit and if you try imagining Hitler singing it... That's why I'm posting it

Sidenote. Assignments are sad and annoying.

Sad life.

2010-06-25T16:35:00.002+08:00

My only week of term break (technically, since there was e-learning before) and I only went out on Monday and Tuesday. How depressing. Tuesday was spent watching Toy Story 3 with Chingmay, Mel and Alex.

Actually I was going with CM only, then Alex wanted to watch also so we all went lor. This CM was late like anything. Tsk. Haha okay anyway about the movie! SO GOOD. I mean seriously when else will you ever feel sad for toys and stuff like yknow

OH CAN YOU BELIEVE Mel didn't really know what the first 2 movies were about like what she really like no childhood MELLLL WHY LIKE THAT ONE AIYOH

lol.

Then after that we went to ion and to starbucks to lepak and talk. Alex was being annoying and Mel decided to join in. TSK ZZZZZZZ

Eh then I had dinner with CM cos Mel was meeting her cousins and Alex uh he went back home to eat luh. Far East wanton mee my first time eating heehee it wuz naiseeeeeeeee

Then CM demanded to shop at least a bit and I ended up buying a hairband and a skirt CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING?! HAHAHAHA FIRST TIME

okay yeah that's about it.

And the rest of this week I was fat and lazy and stayed at home. ):

No one else is free lehhhhh. And I was too lazy to go out by myself haha.

Today was supposed to have class outing to Marina Barrage with T01 but only a few people confirmed attendance and in the morning it rained so it cancelled and others had other plans and such. I baked choco chip muffins they are yummz too bad we didn't go out aw.

I got my grey BC top! CM gave it to me on Tues happy happy happy :3 it is prettyyyyyyy

I know I'm blabbering but oh well okay byebye

Hair.

2010-06-21T21:12:00.003+08:00

I think my hair damn awesome, cannot is it.

I'm finding new angles in my face I've never seen before

I think I look very cool.

And funnily enough, cute.

And if you know me well enough I hate people calling me cute.

So that's kinda strange.

It's ~fresh~ from the salon so it'll definitely look different once I wash it tomorrow and not put wax on it.

And I really really don't like people making a big fuss out of hair. I mean, it's going to grow right? Either you come up and tell you eh it's a nice look or maybe even say it looks disgusting, anything's better than "OMG why did you cut it?" I mean, it's not like it hurt to cut my hair right.

It's just a bunch of dead particles we use to frame our faces. And I chose to have it cut short. WHY CANNOT JUST RESPECT MY DECISION?! It's not hard, if you want to make that sort of comment simply don't approach me. I don't need to explain why I cut my hair to you.

I don't know why I got so worked up cos no one has actually asked me that yet. But I'm dreading Sunday when all the adults will make a big deal out of it.

Sigh. It happened before, it'll happen again.

Actually I don't even really like people telling me my hair is nice. I don't know why, I don't like being the centre of attention I guess. Maybe sometimes I think I'd like to be more visible to others but when it really happens, I'm not comfortable with it.

Ah well anything I shall stop thinking bout it and go bathe ^^

Oh it has begun

2010-06-20T19:41:00.003+08:00

Today I sat through both services, can you believe it. See how much I sacrifice for you Mel! hahahaha

Mel's very happy cos *someone* is back

Actually I don't know why I'm blogging today was pretty borin, after church I just went to Grandma's and slept for 3 hours. Oops. Hmm good to catch up and repay my sleep-debt right? Right.

Yikes I still have e-learning to do = = Not fun, not fun.

Oh well after we finish the child dev grp assignment I can not worry about assignments. Eh no. Still have two grp assignments and one individual one GAHHHHHHHH

Zzz. So sad.

Toy Story 3D with Chingmay on Tues! Hopefully Kez will join usssssssssssss

AH going to bathe now. I'm bored. But I shouldn't be, I have work to do.

And it won't last.

Urban Dictionary

2010-06-17T22:42:00.003+08:00

Another one so I don't have to think about what to blog about.

Rules:
—- Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answers to the following questions.
—- Post the first definition it gives you.

1. Your name: Eliada
Eliada isn't defined yet.(HAHAHA)

So I put in Ellie
The most amazing person you will ever meet. A bit sarcastic but mosly lovable! If you don't know her too bad! the ppl who have met her are extremely lucky! And you should never push her away. A lil bitchy at times but who's not!

2. Your age? 17
When you have more responsibility than at 16, but without all the fun of 18.

3. One of your friends? Amelia
A crazy, awesome, loud, lovable girl. Impossible not to be smiling when around her. She lights up the entire room when she comes in. The bestest friend you will ever have.

4. What should you be doing? Homework
Homework: (Noun) a punishment given to students by evil teachers after the students have already put in 7 hours of hard labor.

5. Favorite color? Green
yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun, now is it?

6. Birthplace? Singapore
1) Indonesian President: Little red dot
2) Taiwan Minister: Booger
3) Americans and all other Caucasians: Somewhere In China
4) Malaysians: How do i get my citizenship?

Anyway, I cheated. I chose the funnier definitions ^^

laze

2010-06-16T22:14:00.003+08:00

from Li Wei.

Yay I don't have to think of what to blog about!

50 Reactions

1. Beer: ew. cider better.
2. Food: DUMPLINGS. They're running out fast!
3. Relationships: friends = <3 guys = bleh.
4. Your crush: -dash-
5. Power Rangers: I liked the movie
6. Life: toggles between none and boring.
7. The President: I'm apathetic
8. Yummy: food, Chace Crawford
9. Cars: Volkswagen
10. Movies: I WANNA WATCH THE KARATE KID
11. Halloween: not prominent here.
12.Colour: Green. Purple.
13. Sport: Sprintinggggg
14. Hate: should be no one. I think so far there's no one.
15. Fear: is the opposite of love.
16. Marriage: someday.
17. Blondes: are stupid. but that's a stereotype.
18. Slippers: beach
19. Shoes: I WANT MOAR
21. Pass time: window shopping/online shopping, facebook, tumblr, daydream
22. One night stand: NEVER
23. My cell Phone: is lagging a lot. sian.
24. Smoke: YUCKSZ
25. Fantasy: Living in a house and having an attic room.
26. College: Assignments galore
27. High school life: ZHONGHUA SEC 2009 COHORT <3 ALWAYS(left it as Li Wei typed it cos I completely agree)
28. Pajamas: Cotton On pants I use for Hip Hop
29. Stars: Switchfoot song
30. Center: Middle.
31. Alcohol: Can never consume large amounts ever.
32. The word love: reminds me of ache. reminds me of good times. reminds me of our fundamental reason for existence
33. Friends: love.
34. Money: need a little more
35. Heartache: hurts, but doesn't last forever
36. Time: slips away fast when you're not noticing.
37. Divorce: sad. should reduce.
38. Dogs: so cute
39. Undies: must be comfy.
40. Parents: must be hard to be them.
41. Babies: SO CUTE
42. Ex: None.
43. Song: Anything that gets stuck in my head. Hello, JMraz
44. Cartoon: TOY STORY 3!!!
45. Weddings: White. Beautiful. Vera Wang.
46. Pizza: Cheese. I wanna make my own pizza.
47. Hangout: bucks, sengkang, hougang, serangoon. best place to be. (not changing this either)
48. Rest: I don't deserve this ):
49. Goal: non-existent.
50. Inspiration: is a nicer word for copying.(too epic to change)

Mraz.

2010-06-09T23:51:00.003+08:00

oh I haven't posted in so long.

Jason Mraz craze again, currently. Thanks to the lovely assignment called EEPE, because I was so distressed and so I decided I needed music. Lady Gaga first, then Jason Mraz.

Love his lyrics. No other artist is like him, seriously.

I'll Do Anything has some of the most amazing lyrics ever written.

Go make your next choice be your best choice,
And if you're looking for a boy with a voice, well baby I'm single.
Are you in the mood for some dude, are you in the mood to be subdued,
Or would you rather just mingle?
Let's get set then to go then and let us jet set we'll be like the jetsons
You can be Jane my wife, should I marry Jane tonight.

See, I would if I could. I'd do oh, anything spontaneously.

Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang
Ain't no thing. I can be lugubrious with you.
I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it
But this place is getting crowded and my house is two blocks away
Or maybe closer

See, I would if I could. I'd do oh, anything spontaneously.
You know I would, oh, if I could. I will do anything spontaneously.

If you could be nimble, you'd have it simple just like me.
So go on and try it, do not deny yourself your freedom.

So step on up to the plate get a date with Mra-z
See you better act fast because supplies they never last
Now did you know this is limited time offer
So go make your mind up before our time's up
Say, you better start winding it up because the party's almost over
(and if you should know girl, let's go a little bit lower now)

See I would do, oh, if I could. I'd do oh, anything spontaneously.
You know I would, oh, I can prove it, that I'll do anything spontaneously.

Genuis? Yes. Okay goddnight/morning going to sleep and finish assignment tomorrow!

I did one assignment!

2010-06-03T23:11:00.004+08:00

Busy is good.

I should get started on ITA.

Field prac essay's done! Finished in school. Surprisingly I ~resisted~ the temptation and didn't go to facebook and closed tumblr after glancing. Helped that I couldn't connect to the internet at first too hee

ITA CHIONG! Love that the deadline's tomorrow 11.59pm, unlike that evil FP that is tomorrow morning. She's so anal that even no page numbers can cause a deduction in marks oooh scary.

Sigh so ma fan.

Bye peeps. Going to bathe. Yes, before midnight at least. HAHA.

I'm going to bring extra files in case people forget!

Need to be busy.