oh no. another rant! XD
sometimes i hate her. but i used to look up to her so much. sometimes i wish i didnt know her. but i wouldnt be who i am now. i wish... she hadnt made me fashion consious. (not that i wasnt, but the things i thought were nice when i was younger suddenly didnt appeal to me anymore.)
like, she brought me into this world of material things.
and i can't be contented with what i have now.
i'm not like her. if she uses $50 in one shopping trip its considered little. and she goes shopping ALOT. she buys things that she knows she'll never wear. she's rich. i'm not.
and now i keep wanting to have things that i dont really need. what with the clothes and shoes and necklaces and earrings and bracelets and rings.
i know i would be like that sooner or later, but i wish it had been later.
i dont think she'll read this. yay.
***
sorry, another rant.
and you. everytime i talk to you i feel like i have to pretend. that i'm this really good christian and i do my quiet time everyday and i have a very close walk with God. but i dont.
and you keep telling me these things that make me feel inferior. like i know i should know better than to skip QT and not pray and what not. you dont know, but you telling me all these things are very stifling.
you think that God favors you, and stuff like that, i know sometimes God chooses people to do his works through them, but you havent done anything yet. and to tell the truth, it makes me feel like you're boasting, though i know you dont mean it that way.
everytime i say something you always manage to link it back to yourself. i feel like whatever you talk about, its always about yourself. even when you try and encourage me. its always about YOU.
we're not all that close. you thought you knew me, but you didnt. i hated you calling me your grandchild. i know you meant for you to be older, but it made me feel like you were treating me like a little kid. and you did treat me like a little kid, even if you didnt know it.
when you liked her, and when those series of events happened, i was there for you. i gave my time, effort and money for the pair of you.
but when i had news to share, you were still wallowing in self pity and thinking her mum thought of you as a cheater and blah blah blah. she had been coping with things so well, while you, supposed to be a pillar of support, crumbled instead.
you were never really there for me. you just kept telling me to study hard. not that that was wrong. dont get me wrong. nothing you sid really impacted me, until God spoke to me through you. to tell me to encourage me to continue with HCL.
you probably want to know why i ignored you. or still am. i dont want a repeat of what has happened. i know i'll feel stifled again and whatever you or i try to do wont work. its just they way we are. we dont click.
there i've said what i've wanted to say. i know its obvious, but whatever.
Thursday, December 13, 2007