Uh. This is brain vomit. The things I typed just jump from one to the other.
Man, am I on a roll.
Since I'm all getting feelings out there and stuff, here goes. This a while back but it doesn't mean I wasn't affected.
Remember Pit Stop? One day youth retreat at church. We were supposed to be with either our S4Gs or Teen SGs. Guess what. Only Mel and I went and Cher/Janice were like in the comm and with the young adults organising stuff and also Cher had gained a new kid lol
Okay the point is. I had no group. Mel has her own teen SG. So I joined them but I felt so fucking alone. I was looking through my facebook photos cos I have nothing else to do right now and it's too late to nap, so.
Looking at the picture I dunno just felt stupid. I was an outsider no question bout that.
I wish I had my long hair back.
I wish none of this happened
I wish I didn't cos it made things like this. My fault, should have let go when I could've huh.
Let's just be clear: I haven't actually told anyone the whole story of how I got into this. I might tell someone eventually but don't expect anything out of me.
Shit, I miss everyone. But not everyone. Does anyone get this.
On Sunday I went down to bucks with tiramisu in hand for chingalingling and I was telling her how earlier that day in church I had given my phone the finger cos of an annoying text. She went "omg Elly why you so vulgar now"
Also after my outburst post she was like omg why you scold fuck you cannot scold
I DON'T KNOW WHY EITHER OMG
Haven't said it loud enough for anyone ears to pick up on but yeah I've been doing it under my breath, in my head.
Someone please come and save me.
Let's not even talk about God. I don't know Him and after camp I feel like it'd only be irresponsible, what with all the things they talked about. Talking to him is not enough. He's not my to-go person only when I'm sad. Jesus is not here at my convenience and disposal. I can't commit to working out a relationship and I cannot bring myself to do this to him again, I feel like I'm self justifying my ignoring him but at this point whatever I do isn't making me feel any better so whatever. Being in crusade, I don't know. I can't sing songs properly can't worship can't pray can't can't can't.
(this is about 20-30min later)
OH YES. RELATIVES, STOP ASKING ME TO DO THINGS FOR YOU
Or at least ask nicely. Don't ask through my dad. Call me directly. Try sounding genuine, how bout that. Anyway I'm not baking for her in the end so meh.
If I said no STOP ASKING REPEATEDLY. Another aunt this time. She asked me to tutor her delinquent daughter English and Science cos she's repeating sec 2. I have rejected her before.
1. I am her cousin, she's not going to take me seriously. We tried before anyway when she was in sec 1 and that didn't turn out so well, did it.
2. I am not qualified to teach her.
3. She's not interested in learning.
The last time I helped out all I got was free meals. It's not that big of an incentive to make me want to do this properly and what happened was we couldn't really even concentrate for the stipulated 1.5 hours. We used an assessment book and she didn't take the exercises seriously. I'd tell her to do this page and she'd get stuck and I'd say do you understand the meaning of this word and she'd say no and I had to tell her to check the damn dictionary before she did it.
My aunt keeps asking omg.
I think the only reason she's going to accept is I have no time for her stupid daughter who doesn't know how to appreciate what she has.
I know I'm older so they kinda expect me to be giving more and I really have no problems with that but seriously you cannot expect me to be so free as to give free tuition to your kid who does not give a fuck about her education. Free lunch, by the way, is not considered payment.
I do not understand. Get a proper tutor. Or not. Whatever. Just don't ask me because I can't do it.
My mum doesn't get it. I guess she thinks I'd be more of an example if I help but seriously what kind of example can I be. Maybe also a testimony for my aunt but I can't do it I really cannot. And she asked when school started so um too bad I really have no time now. Actually Fridays are pretty lax but still.
Why is it that I feel pretty okay alone but I feel lonely when I'm with people
I'm pretty worried for my 3rd uncle/Godfather though. Every time I ask my mum what's wrong with him she does "Same lor. The bacteria thing"
I DON'T KNOW WHAT BACTERIA THING
I thought it was his stomach? But he's had 2 operations so far to drain excess fluid in his brain so WHAT IS GOING ON I'D LIKE TO KNOW
And then Mum went on to say "then they're doing some more things..."
And worrying. I just want to know what is going on zzz
Going to church tomorrow to put on make up for the bck kids graduation thingo. whee kids. They are the best people.