I think I just want to go back to when the stress came from stupid homework and if I'd be able to finish in time to go watch tv or play. When I felt sad because Dad was overseas working and not around. When that was the only sadness. I want everything to be simple again lesser conflicts no bitches no problems. At least not any problems that were glaringly obvious. None that affected me, anyway.
Yesterday I legit had a nightmare when I was awake and I started crying like an idiot because I am one and seriously, I don't know why you had to do this to me that you became the monster under my bed. Sobbing like when I was 5 and I dreamed there was a shark in the swimming pool. I wanted my Mummy but she was in KL.
Turns out I was scaring myself, or maybe God helped, I wouldn't know, but it wasn't bad. But that woman makes me very stressed out. Makes me feel inadequate. She once made me cry, and yesterday she didn't even have to be there to see to it. It sucks. Sucks how I'm so easily affected and how strong she comes across.
I never thought I'd seriously consider leaving the church and attending somewhere else but yesterday everything happened all at once and it was too overwhelming. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't want to pretend that everything's fine and dandy when it's not. I'm technically spiritually dead and no one even knows.
Master of pretense and avoidance I am. I'm so conditioned. When I entered the sanctuary today I didn't even want to be in there, and by the time S4G rolled around I closed in prayer and asked God for things that would most likely not happen in my life, but acted as if I would. I am a hypocrite.
Master of pretense and avoidance I am. I'm so conditioned. When I entered the sanctuary today I didn't even want to be in there, and by the time S4G rolled around I closed in prayer and asked God for things that would most likely not happen in my life, but acted as if I would. I am a hypocrite.
For the first time in a long time I didn't want to go to church. It was habit and I didn't have an opinion after my wanting to go to church stopped, , but yesterday I didn't even want to go anymore. I used to think, at least I go once a week I have some sort of contact with God, but I'm just a liar. Lying to myself and the people around me. People that buy my lies. People that don't see below the surface. I went to church ultimately because of my kids. Also I wanted to talk to Li Wei but oh well.
I want to go somewhere else, somewhere new, where people don't know me as the good little church girl that attends every week and looks like she's being attentive during sermon/sunday school. I tried. I wanted to be interested. I was, but I don't know. It went away.
I'm a fucking hypocrite. I can't even spell that expletive right I spelled it funcking. I can't even be bad. But I'm not good.
People need to stop assuming the kids we were are not the people we are now.
People piss me off too. I know I have no right to judge them but wtf. It's not cool. Okay. Don't come and go whenever you choose, don't come and pretend to be even interested, then leave halfway saying you have something on. You were dead weight. Your presence was not appreciated. Don't come and exclaim in that fucking annoying voice like omg, you guys actually gave a fuck for this stupid thing?. You didn't say that but your tone was just fucking condescending. THEN DON'T EVEN SHOW UP ASSHATS.
And damnit do you have to be so obsessed with winning? WE WON, WHY ASK ME THE SCORE. IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. And you should have sent the schedule. We were cought off guard today. The last thing I thought you were was irresponsible. I always feel so bad when I think these thoughts I know you meant well but it got a little too much.
STOP BEING SO WHINY. No one wants to hear it, okay.
STOP WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY. IDGAFF if you have no friends.
STOP TRYING TO ACT CLOSE. GDIAF
STOP TEXTING ME OUT OF FORMALITY IF YOU WANTED ME TO GO YOU'D ASK IN PERSON
STOP SITTING IN CLASS AND STRESSING ME OUT WHY MUST IT FEEL LIKE A TEST
GO AHEAD AND NOT TALK NOT TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL IF YOU WANT. GO AND TELL SOMEONE ELSE WHY DON'T YOU. GO AND TELL HER EVERYTHING, THAT PERSON YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN FOR AWHILE. IF YOU DON'T WANT MY HELP I'M NOT OFFERING ANYMORE.
I GIVE UP. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. DO WHAT YOU WANT.
I'M DONE BEING THE VOICE OF REASON THE "MUM" OF GROUPS I'M DONE BEING THERE FOR ANYONE WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING SO HARD WHEN NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, WHEN NO ONE CAN TELL WHEN I NEED A FRIEND
I'M DONE.
I know there are people that are genuine in church, people that don't make me want to roll my eyes at or feel weird around, people that don't make me feel like they're judging me constantly, like Cher, Janice T, Nicky, Yixin,(for the youth) at least the ones I talk more often to, but when I pretend to people in church I do it to them to. ): And I don't want to lie any longer. It's hurting me more than I thought it was.
I desperately need some God time and alone time and away from other hypocrites.
edit: it's a couple hours later and I don't really want to post this for the world to see, but I think it being out there will really force me to realise what's become of my life? I don't know if I will ever summon the strength to leave BC, or even the strength not to leave. Nothing's set in stone.
Now I wish I hadn't sweared but oh well.
another edit: did I really type sweared. But the word swore, does it work? I think it does?