I feel so... disconnected.
Like nothing is going right.
And it definitely doesn't help that the mere thought of people can make me think so many nasty thoughts about them or the fact that after thinking swear words I am starting to mouth the words and sometimes actually say it out loud. But softly. But still.
It's my life is just a giant ball of suck and I know what's wrong, it's not that I don't, but I don't want to fix it.
I actually like my sin and want to stay there. I feel so torn and I don't know how I can overcome something like this. I LIKE WHAT IS KEEPING ME FROM LIVING A FREE LIFE WITH CHRIST.
How warped is that?
I'm so glad that we attended the church in Shanghai (it's for expatriates, not sure if their Chinese Bible study for for the locals but they def do not attend the service, you actually need some form of ID for them to let you into the service)
cos Pastor Edmund Chan was speaking and I'm currently reading one of his books. I brought the book to Shanghai but didn't read it, not even after the service but yeah.
So that service made me realise what my problem was. The problem now is I don't want to solve it. I don't want to be willing to give up my sin.
There's such a huge difference in my life when I am making an effort to keep fellowshipping with God and trying to obey Him and when I don't care at all.
How am I supposed to lead a group of teenagers and teach young children when I'm like this?
But yet at the same time I think "how am I supposed to keep giving and giving without being filled at the same time?"
2 weeks break and my life is such a mess. It was going downhill even before that though.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I thought I'd at least understand better by now but I don't.
Don't even dare to ask God for help now what is this. This isn't right is it. Okay I'm going to need a long prayer and get back on track.
I can't just like Jesus, many people like Him too. I need to love Him and have sincere faith and make Him the center of my life. And hate my sin. And persevere and not give up like I always do.
I actually can see so many people, myself of course included, not placing Christ at the very center of our lives. It saddens me because all this time wasted could have been spent in wonderful and beautiful moments living and breathing for God. I have wasted a lot of time. So time for me to wake up and realise how sin is never good for me, even though it might seem to be and can be enjoyable due to my own sinful nature, and start weeding.
It sure seems like life, even in it's hardest times, can be great times as long as we remember Jesus is always by our side.