Yesterday at crusade after poly day of prayer which wasn't too bad cos we didn't exactly pray a lot and I didn't feel so contridictory, Elliot (group leader during camp) asked me something which I remember lol and when I replied he was like "I finally get to hear your voice! You were so quiet, you and Sarah were so quiet during camp."
I feel very disconnected from myself. Not really me anymore. I tear up at the slightest things. Like when I was getting off the bus yesterday and I saw Bianca and she waited with me till my next bus came and when it did and I boarded, suddenly I thought wow, I really miss zhonghua company and I wanted to cry. And before that she was like "Are you okay? You look so pale and tired." I realised I really look like crap and people can tell. Then again I had just woken up from sleeping on the bus so I dunno for sure.
Also just now taking the lift this girl was with her grandmother and the way she was holding her hand and leading her in/out of the lift omg, I wanted to cry. I never did anything for mine. I miss her.
And yesterday Dad(actually today... after 12 midnight) told me to clear the rubbish and I was like whut why are you telling me this now I want to sleep already but he had already gone to his room and I got frustrated and I cried for a bit. What? And I didn't throw out the trash in the end.
I don't understand what's happening at all.
And I don't know how to tell people either. This is probably my only outlet. Stupid, really. Making it public. But quite honestly I don't know how to deal with it. Just feel like I'd be bothering people.
Yesterday Wendy/Yinshuang/Pearl all asked me if I was okay quite a few times.
I'm so tired too.
And my fuse is so short these days.
And my fuse is so short these days.
I would post this somewhere else, really, but poly classmates can see over there and I don't want them to. The lesser they know the better. I don't want people to start acting weird around me.
In the past I would see sad posts and stuff and I wouldn't understand, but now I think I do? I dunno, there seems to be a reason for other people's problems, but I just am. Sad. Or maybe it's a whole collection of things and I don't know anymore.
Oh I killed a bug in the toilet the other day. Ugh. I used my tumbler and there was a cracking sound thing. It was black and yellow stripey things I think? IDK SO SCARY OKAY
Bought two rings from f21 and am now broke. I love my rings.