Funny how it gets you so addicted.
I realised how much I miss Shannen and Claudia and UChan ):
They're the only ones I don't meet up with often Zzz. The last time was in May for out birthdays THAT IS LIKE SO LONG AGO CAN?
IDK it's so weird I feel like we really only exist in a group. Does that even make sense? Anyway we're meeting up soon! So excited. Actually can't wait to see UChan's face when I give her her birthday present. Her birthday's actually tomorrow. Hurhur.
And Jayne's coming to SG and so is Winnie omg how exciting? Yeah I know my vocabulary's lacking at the moment.
But these people remind me so much of my Sec 2 days, before we got split up into different classes and how Shannen and Claudia hang out with their e4 peeps plus Lishi at times and I feel so weirdly left out because I never really made a close friend in 3e5. Sabrina's great, but we're not close. And now we're all over the place, TJC, VJC, TP, NP, but kinda evenly split lol. 2 in JCs and 2 in Polys.
And Jayne and Winnie coming means a click clique reunion. So much of my time was spent on the forums in Chatgasm with them at the end of the year after tc5 had come to Zhonghua. They exposed me a lot to the intarnetz and different bands and music, and I also found out the internet can be kinda mean. And sometimes you can fight back lol. They actually made me a lot more aware of the world around me, and also taught me that I shouldn't be ignorant about things.
Feels like a blast from the past. Maybe I'll be more like Sec 2 self after all these interactions. I liked 14 year old me. Bit childish but I was sad and all in Sec 3 and not stressed in Sec 4.
And not like now, bored in the first three quarters of the year then finding out that boredom was actually emptiness and loneliness is disguise.
And crying my eyes out again. And the suddenly desire to cry after that episode at the most random moments. I think it's pretty safe to say that that period the week before school started to about the second week of school was the worse. Worse phase or period(I mean time, not menstrual cycle) I've ever been through. I didn't even feel like this when grandma passed away.
IDK what reflection post this is lol. WHY ISN'T TUMBLR LOADING STILL RAWR
Actually I want to mix the best bits of 2007 and the best bits of 2009 together.
Esix, Shannen/Claudia/UChan but minus the Claudia and UChan drama, Keziah and the Mraz madness minus her madness about doing well for the Os, Chingmay but no Nisa drama, Sibyl but no Dave sadness, Me but without the liking multiple guys one after another, Click Clique but without the ~scene~ conflict...
But life's never ever like that is it?
I guess... we have to live with it.
I guess... we have to live with it.
The thing that scares me the most? Neglect. I'm scared to death that people wont need me anymore or want to be around me anymore. Every time I feel like I'm initiating contact I'm terrified they're gonna be pissed and when they go out with other friends more than me I feel so unimportant. And when they come to me with problems and I don't know what to say I feel so contrived and all I can do is type ): and -hug- and I wish I could be there to hug them in person but I can't and I feel useless.
What is this insecurity.
Mostly I can tell my friends almost everything, except things like this. If they're pissing me off or if they're making me sad.
Even though no one's really doing it now. IDK.
I just. feel. so pathetic and like I've not done a single thing with my life.
Why the f do I always have to think so much.
Damnit I should have gone to sleep after reading instead of trying to refresh Tumblr. Look at what happened.
Just wanna go back to sec 2 now please. When the biggest issue was that I liked a dude who liked my friend. And my horrible school grades.
Oh great Tumblr's now partially loaded. Now I don't know if I should go to bed or refresh some more. Fuck this I'm going to bed. Also, I'd stopped using the word fuck in Sec 2. And I didn't use it out loud until that time. This used to be the easiest thing for me to control, and now I don't have control over anything. Nothing.
To think that I shared Christ with someone just yesterday. I didn't want to do it but I did. Maybe I shouldn't have. What pathetic example am I giving.
What happened to the past few weeks of getting better and feeling hopeful again omg. I really hope it's just me and not like, external forces playing a part. Cos if there is, GTFO. Oh lookie here using the wrong approach again. Argh.
Tumblr this is your fault. Good night/morning.