You know how sometimes you're just thinking too much when you're trying to sleep? Well I felt like I was half thinking, half asleep. Like I think so much that my brain ignores it and just tries to rest. Although it doesn't really feel like I got any.
Then I was reading at the Hougang bus stop, The Jane Austen Book Club, and then I was thinking again...
Why are all their lives so sad.
Anyway, classmate was in a bad mood today, and when I was on the bus I felt like I was so much more like myself at that time, trying to get her out of it but then thinking that I was saying too much then shutting up again.
And then she was better, and we waited for 2 other girls to borrow some books to use as references for their essays, I got so pissed waiting for them. And those that were taking the bus from the same side all got on their buses first and I was like fuck, I didn't sign up for this, it's so late, why did I wait, now I'm the last to get on my bus and I take one and a half freaking hours to get home.
And the second part is how I'm not so much like myself.
Reading makes me feel different emotions, and this book... I felt a kind of heavy burden weighing down inside me.
And I hate all the sexual bits in there. And how sad everyone is so far. Divorced, unhappily single, mother died, betrayed by lover, and still one more to go. One more background story. Probably another tragic one.
Most of my friends expect me to have kids in the future. Many. I dunno though, I think I wanna be the godmother to all my friend's kids first. Sometimes I think I won't get married, I'll have pets and then adopt when I'm financially secure. Or it'll be enough to be a godmother and I'll be the old lady with cats.
I think I'll be alone a lot more than I did in the past.
If someone is the center of your world and that person leaves, what would you do?
Try to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life? Or just exist and wait for the next person to come find you?
I don't like the idea of being so dependent on a single person, though. I'm already so affected by the slightest things my friends do and to be like that...
I'm actually quite terrified of the day I like a guy and he likes me back. Oh and he has the guts to tell me. Quite afraid.
So at times I think, maybe it's better to be the old lady with the cats. But I dunno, I'm some kind of hopeless romantic. Always hoping for the perfect story. But then again I feel sort of jaded.
So what am I?
And what's wrong with me?
Too. Many. Assignments. They're not like, super tough or anything, but too much at one shot, gosh. And this is not secondary school, hand in homework late also nevermind.
Don't understand what Ngee Ann's deal is. Such a strict policy on being late and lecturers getting pissed over you not paying attention/participating but they don't give you clearer guidelines as to how to do your assignments properly.
Or am I too spoonfed from secondary school.
Supposed to do work, so I should stop thinking and start doing.