well hello.

clement(loh) asked me why i'm so emo on my blog. actually, i don't know.

but i didn't know you read my emo page! i wonder who else reads my emo page. hah.

i feel like such a failure now. no, not academically. i already know i suck. it's other stuff. pfft.

i want mraz tickets.

the school is crazy. dolly ong and -whatever her name is- yeo are seriously mad. obviously they don't know how to talk to teens properly.

hate this nonsense. i'm so tired of dance, although i am fairly happy i can do double turns now. (:

other than that, my life stinks. whoohoo.

i haven't updated in awhile. lost my blogging bug, perhaps.

i need my sleep. goodbye in abit. and i think i should stop being so emo. apparently more people read this than i expected. like clement. stop reading. or you could tell me you're reading my crap. hah. or not. please don't be a stalker. but if you are please tell me so i can kick you in the nuts. wow i'm way too violent for my own good.

oh well. today was a depressing day. ms talib gave us a C+ for the creative games thingy. Zzz. standerds too high, dear one. and i don't really care for sports. but ah, i am sorry for sitting down, group members. so very sorry. shouldn't have sat down and examined my nails when the game was farrr farrrr away from me.

keziah says i've been wearing this -i don't give a shit about anything- face for the past few days. i though it was only today! i'm losing interest for lots of things. sometimes i feel like locking myself up in my room. with the computer. and music.

human interaction doesn't appeal to me at this moment. i'm feeling weird. i'm becoming incoherent.

~thousand apologies~

goodnight,
sleep tight.

sigh.

the movie was nice, and it kept me awake. i thought so much about it i didn't have a deep sleep. i kept tossing and turning.

yes, Brad Pitt was hot in this movie. Cate Blanchett was stunning. but what impacted me most was the storyline. only hit me while i was on the way home. it's sad.

i loved the image of Daisy being an old woman and Benjamin a toddler that froze itself into my mind. it was a very sweet scene, it almost seemed like a grandmother and her grandson, especially when she bent down to peck him. one other part was when Daisy looked at B.Button in the eye when he left her and their baby. heartbreaking, that stare. another part would be when B.Button was a baby and before he died, he looked straight into Daisy's eyes and she knew that he knew who she was.

it's awesome. everybody go and watch it! although it's really weird thinking about B.Button growing younger and younger, it's super good and super sad.

it was so nice to be able to go out and watch a movie. we forgot to take the mandatory photo! but oh well.

and Cate Blanchett is one awesome dancer. i mean, if it is her dancing. i want to dance Zzz.

i have to get more sleep tomorrow, sytycd s4 finale is on monday on mio tv! have to stay up late in order to watch it.

i hate chinese tests. have to study five ke wen and 50 cheng yu. i hope i don't fail, but it's getting so hard. sigh.

i want to watch the wedding game! lol.

g'night ya'll.

to drop add math or not to? i'm scared.

and i don't know what's wrong with me.

luckily for me i get a break, the curious case of benjamin button at plaza sing after dance with keziah and chingmay tomorrow.

i think i need this break.


my earworm, current sad song.

will it ever end? i sure hope so.

listen, and interpret.

dance is music made visible.

dance like no one's watching.

i miss this. i miss my pointe shoes. soft pointes. pespiring like crazy. crying over being scolded, even. the joy when i'm able to perfect a step. the feeling of accomplishment. it has never been so much a need, but now it is. i love ballet even though i'm scared. classical ballet is not to be trifled with.

contemporary so freer, but i miss the feel of my shoes.

i came across my ballet teacher's photo just now. she looks older. her oldest student is one year younger than i am.

i don't know. she killed me. would i still go back to her? besides, she far away in bukit timah. and i thought tampines was far enough.

i shall sleep.

i miss my life. i miss breathing.

time. going by so fast. i can barely catch my breath. i can't keep up with the rest. they're flying past, leaving me struggling behind. even my few companions in the beginning start to speed up then i realise i'm all alone.

that's certainly not something i want to really happen. but really, time's slipping by all the time. friday is in two days. monday was two days ago.

i don't even know what i'm trying to get across but yeah i was thinking, and it just occurred to me that time is running out really fast. gah.

i hate bugs. i killed one just now. ew.

i have no more words.

no wait. i miss ballet. terribly. dancing in general. i wish i had more space at home. but then everyone's always at home. i need an empty dance studio and sad music playing.

and up till now, to this very day, i still want to hear you. nothing's ever really over, is it?

ha.

light up, light up, as if you have a choice.

hello, i have no valentine, but that's okay.

i had an okay day yesterday. it started out good but then it was ruined by... dance.

i'm just pissed off with having to be xiao yang's understudy. i kinda like dancing that part, but then she'll come then i'm back to my place. i don't know, it's just the feeling of playing second fiddle to her, i suppose.

what's the point of dancing her part anyway? it's not like i'll be doing it for syf. alicia said i might take over her place but then i'd feel so bad for 'taking' her role away. it isn't her fault she has CL lit and bridging course on cca days, blame the idiot principal, she did it.

which is exactly why i don't want to dance her part anymore. also, everyone keeps forgetting my place cos i don't have anyone taking my original place and the teacher forgets and when she's trying to get the lines straight i have to make sure she knows i'm standing in between whoever it is i'm standing in between.

she forgets all the time, like hello?

so i have to play double.

if i really do take xiao yang's place she'd have to take mine, but it's not like she has the time to learn, seriously.

plus i don't exactly want to be in the centre of attention. pfft.

okay imma put that aside for the moment. ahh hopefully things will sort themselves out.

and is it just me computer or is something wrong with youtube? video isn't loading :/ oh it loaded! but so slow =.=

i ain't depressed whoohoo. LOL. yes i know i'm real weird.

oh i had a dream. that i went for jason mraz's concert! and without a ticket. lol. he sang 'you and i both'. that's all i remember.

keziah and i are sulking about not having tickets to mraz's concert. GAH.


i want a dress similar to this!

so many wants, so little money.

time to do the last piece of chinese homework i own ms lian. she is so funny! we tried to tease her about boyfriends and stuff. lol. we've got to find her a man so she'll stop thinking of ways to make us better in chinese which means more homework! ahaha.

me wants to dance.

Footprints In The Sand - Leona Lewis

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way
Then I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid

And just when I
Have thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary
Well, I know you've been there
And I can feel you when you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sadness
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When your heart is full of sadness
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

i did not know simon cowell could write such beautiful words. very beautiful. very comforting.

inspired by this:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one only set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord,that if I followed you,you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life, there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most,
had you not been there for me?"

The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand is when I carried you, my child."

-Mary Stevenson

i couldn't help it, i edited the grammar and added like three words to make it more impactful(to me). what a grammar nazi.

i teared.

today feels like another boring old depressing and frustrated post about school, but what to do? that's all that occupies my life right now.

i failed my social studies test! kind of expected, i didn't exactly study. in fact, the whole class failed, except for one. woah. felt bad for ms tan (gim hua), this is actually the first time i've seen her upset. she's always been angry at us, but i've really never seen her almost sad. i'll study for the next test! hopefully i pass.

that wasn't the thing that was bothering me. dunno why i put it up. hah.

i hate dance teachers subtly calling me fat. today the chinese dance teacher said something about me being bigger than alicia. i thought it was purely body size. alicia is smaller than me, so i didn't mind, and i didn't really understand what she was trying to say cos she was speaking in chinese and my chinese is horrible. then she said the tell-tale word. EAT. she said something close to the effect of 'you don't eat so much right?' OH HOW SUBTLE.

how can you possibly compare me and alicia? out bone structure is vastly different, my bones are much bigger. she's also shorter can?!(sorry alicia i didn't mean it that way) every time i complain about my weight my friends go "you're not fat what!" and i know i'm sorta acceptable weight and all that but i guess in the world of dance you have to be thin. if not you're not easy on the audiences' eye.

why did i have to go and be passionate about something that i can never be? i will never be anorexic, and i don't think i can loose that much weight to become "acceptable". gosh, what a blow to someone's self-esteem.

you know what, i have this feeling the reason why i'm so harsh on myself is because of my ballet teacher. oh what troubles this woman has caused me. i feel fat and insecure about my weight and i think i'm ugly(sometimes). yeah, no kidding. i still remember what she said. i no longer feel bitter about it but the impacts of her words continue haunting me. i'm so tired of feeling this way.

SIAN LA WHY AM I TELLING THE WHOLE WORLD THIS.

please don't comfort me, i'll be okay. it'll be extremely awkward if you try to comfort me. i think i might feel worse.

even my aunties contribute to this. 'eh why you wear this ah make you look so fat!' and then my uncle calls me round. my mum calls me fat sometimes.

i think i need to stop calling myself fat. but i NEVER display this insecurity in front of the adults. i only say this to my peers and teens know better then to call their friends fat.

seriously. i need to stop telling the whole world my weaknesses.

recess felt like death today. i felt so small and evil. i felt... i don't know what exactly i felt but it didn't feel good at all. gah. unknowingly someone made me feel like that. i wish i could say it out but then i don't want conflict. but i felt so horrible, like i was a terrible person for even considering that option. (s)he didn't even know.

i want my true friends please.

shannen and claudia we need to have a good long nice awesome talk someday. I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY LA. ):

chingmay i see you like everyday. but i need shopping. soon. i think.

yesterday i was almost sick. why almost? NO FEVER. the one factor that could help me escape from tuition and school. the random muscle aches in my thighs made it so difficult to sleep.

oh see my last post? i have no idea what the goodbye, you was for. sounded nice, fitted in the context of the song, no? LOL. yah no i'm not pining over any idiot.(sorry guys lol)

i think the ranting has made me feel better!

my blog is my complaining ground. so better not take anything here too seriously. i like to blow things out of proportion.

SORE THROATS ARE PLAGUING MANY PEOPLE D:

aiyah byebye lah.

my problems are trivial. selfish selfish sellfish sell fish. gah.

---

hey y'all.

i'm so tired. yeah. tired of so many things. tired of O levels. tired of people. tired of tuition. tired of homework. tired.

have been feeling pretty much like crap the past few days. keziah and chingmay can probably attest to this. almost cried in school today, in fact. yeah. sucks much. then the english compo test rolled around and it's surprising i wrote so fast. surprising how much it felt like therapy, writing about an insignificant class outing where the outcome was surprising. i thought i might break down during the test.

maybe it's pms, perhaps it was. just got my period yeah i let you know, i know. but then i wasn't pissed off or anything, i was just quiet, and sad.

i don't know what's wrong with me. something happened though, yesterday, which made me laugh. didn't expect it, but it felt nice. wish i had someone to make me laugh. like, not when i'm laughing over a joke, or laughing over something, but laughing because... because i feel happy. or maybe embarrassed, i don't know, really but it really did feel nice to laugh over something that probably didn't matter.

what is up with me these days? i feel like giving up.

feel like giving up higher chinese, feel like dropping add math. my tuition teacher don't want me to.

but i don't want add math anymore.

why? wish i could tell someone everything, but that's so difficult.

do i seem strong to others? because i feel weak.

ugh. enough about me. something that bugs me a lot recently is people. why the sudden school politics. why the drama, when we're supposed to focus on other things. why make a mountain out of a molehill. why break other down to build yourself up, why treat others like dirt when you're really, the same as the rest of us.

i seriously can't understand you people.

i'm tired of you guys and i don't want to stay around this warped kind of mentality. do you know it's you? i sure hope so. i want to s-p-e-l-l it out in front of your faces. i'm trying hard not to.





i've gone astray and i need my shepherd to get me. God, i need you. i'm so sorry. sheep get lost all the time, that's my nature. but i'll try harder next time. i'll be stronger. i can be, with Your guidance. lead me out of this.

my posts are so strange. have a nice day. God bless you.

hey i was about to go to bed but i couldn't help myself. i needed to let it out.

so many things recently make me kinda sad and disgusted and confused and have me crying out in despair but sometimes i feel like i want to just give it all up and not care anymore.

sometimes it's hardwired into your brain that no, you can't do this and the way people talk to you make you feel like you can't do it too but they're just so fake and pretentious and they say yes you can do this but can you? can you really?

didn't think so.

i also know i'm rambling but i can't help myself, as i've mentioned in the first sentence, i think i have to let it all out before i go bonkers and throw myself off a cliff but you and i both (hello mraz reference) know that's not going to happen at all, don't we.

i don't understand your behaviour. why why why can't you put in more effort? will it kill you to do that? i can't believe i've overlooked this flaw in you for so long now. and you, i miss you, i miss us. or maybe it's just me and you don't need me because i am only one eliada and i'm not all that important, and other people are far more special than me. yeah i know.

and no, you ignorant little...(sorry in a lousy mood), i'm not talking about anything related to the opposite gender. eliada doesn't need a man although she may like eye candy but heck, she certainly doesn't need one to survive. and, why is she talking in third person now?

i don't know. i really don't know anything, do i.

i'm the ignorant one.

how i wish... silly little girl, did you really think wishes come true? stop lying to yourself.

and now i shall attempt to store this girl called eliada emo into the box of her blog. hopefully, the attempt will be successful and eliada emo, no, not eliadayong, will cease to surface for a long, long time.

so what is it going to be? don't be a lemming.

sometimes, i wonder why i care so much. it's not like they really care, right?

-

uh, i didn't go to school today. got myself more medicine, haha. was tired in the polyclinic! i waited super long to see the doc and for my medicine, and i actually dozed off while waiting.

my muscles were aching on sat/sun, due to the stupid cohort run, PE, and dance. PE was replaced by this mr wong person, since talib didn't come again, and during dance i had to learn xiao yang's position and her part is much more strenuous than mine. if this goes on i might lose weight! speaking of which, we were weighed and our heights were measured on friday. i grew one cm shorter, how amazing.

i need to lose 5.1kg! LOL.

i can still feel the stupid acid up my throat. gah i'll go get my medicine.

okay slightly better. eh didn't work for my throat. BAH HUMBUG.

oh well. i can't be bothered to go to school to take my higher chinese test. i'll just do it another time, my throat is affecting my concentration.

oh well i have more time to do my tuition work now! (: these's this short story my tutor told us to read and the twist is baffling. i read it 3/4 times before i figured (more or less) what the twist actually was. very interesting, and it doesn't even use bombastic words or anything like that.

i feel very warm all over. Zzz. might go and nap later on.