I was bathing, and I thought, this sucks, I still have the assignment to complete, God help me please? Then wondering if I was too much, and if he'd really help me when I need it.

Okay. Work time. For real.

You know how sometimes you're just thinking too much when you're trying to sleep? Well I felt like I was half thinking, half asleep. Like I think so much that my brain ignores it and just tries to rest. Although it doesn't really feel like I got any.

Then I was reading at the Hougang bus stop, The Jane Austen Book Club, and then I was thinking again...

Why are all their lives so sad.

Anyway, classmate was in a bad mood today, and when I was on the bus I felt like I was so much more like myself at that time, trying to get her out of it but then thinking that I was saying too much then shutting up again.

And then she was better, and we waited for 2 other girls to borrow some books to use as references for their essays, I got so pissed waiting for them. And those that were taking the bus from the same side all got on their buses first and I was like fuck, I didn't sign up for this, it's so late, why did I wait, now I'm the last to get on my bus and I take one and a half freaking hours to get home.

And the second part is how I'm not so much like myself.

Reading makes me feel different emotions, and this book... I felt a kind of heavy burden weighing down inside me.

And I hate all the sexual bits in there. And how sad everyone is so far. Divorced, unhappily single, mother died, betrayed by lover, and still one more to go. One more background story. Probably another tragic one.

--

Most of my friends expect me to have kids in the future. Many. I dunno though, I think I wanna be the godmother to all my friend's kids first. Sometimes I think I won't get married, I'll have pets and then adopt when I'm financially secure. Or it'll be enough to be a godmother and I'll be the old lady with cats.

I think I'll be alone a lot more than I did in the past.

--

If someone is the center of your world and that person leaves, what would you do?

Try to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life? Or just exist and wait for the next person to come find you?

I don't like the idea of being so dependent on a single person, though. I'm already so affected by the slightest things my friends do and to be like that...

I'm actually quite terrified of the day I like a guy and he likes me back. Oh and he has the guts to tell me. Quite afraid.

So at times I think, maybe it's better to be the old lady with the cats. But I dunno, I'm some kind of hopeless romantic. Always hoping for the perfect story. But then again I feel sort of jaded.

So what am I?

And what's wrong with me?

---

Too. Many. Assignments. They're not like, super tough or anything, but too much at one shot, gosh. And this is not secondary school, hand in homework late also nevermind.

Don't understand what Ngee Ann's deal is. Such a strict policy on being late and lecturers getting pissed over you not paying attention/participating but they don't give you clearer guidelines as to how to do your assignments properly.

Or am I too spoonfed from secondary school.

Supposed to do work, so I should stop thinking and start doing.

Zzz 1400 word essay due on Wed and I've not started.

I really don't know how I'm going to get my 3.8GPA like this... I'm quite frustrated with myself but oh well this always happens so I can't say I'm surprised.

Going to start today, hopefully get half of the first and second components of the essay.

Baked a choc cake yesterday for Cher's surprise birthday thingy today, the cake was kinda bad idk I didn't like it much, although the frosting was good. I suppose I should take some liquids out... like use less water/milk.

CAN YOU BELIEVE CHERZY TRIED TO USE A MICROWAVE OVEN TO BAKE A MARBLE CAKE

Cherzy you should just look for those no-bake kinda recipes since you don't have an oven haha

Okay, gonna bathe, eat edamame and do my assignment.

I wanna buy these tshirts from the intarnetz, like one Sons of Admirals and one DFTBA. Bet you don't know what they mean but it'a okay~~~ I kinda like the idea that I can wear it to school and only a few people will understand.

Like in Sec 2 I really wanted a TWLOHA shirt but I had no money and somehow now everyone knows about it. But it's all good cos it's for a good cause! twloha only, not the rest.

Right. Goodbye.

Funny how it gets you so addicted.

I realised how much I miss Shannen and Claudia and UChan ):

They're the only ones I don't meet up with often Zzz. The last time was in May for out birthdays THAT IS LIKE SO LONG AGO CAN?

IDK it's so weird I feel like we really only exist in a group. Does that even make sense? Anyway we're meeting up soon! So excited. Actually can't wait to see UChan's face when I give her her birthday present. Her birthday's actually tomorrow. Hurhur.

And Jayne's coming to SG and so is Winnie omg how exciting? Yeah I know my vocabulary's lacking at the moment.

But these people remind me so much of my Sec 2 days, before we got split up into different classes and how Shannen and Claudia hang out with their e4 peeps plus Lishi at times and I feel so weirdly left out because I never really made a close friend in 3e5. Sabrina's great, but we're not close. And now we're all over the place, TJC, VJC, TP, NP, but kinda evenly split lol. 2 in JCs and 2 in Polys.

And Jayne and Winnie coming means a click clique reunion. So much of my time was spent on the forums in Chatgasm with them at the end of the year after tc5 had come to Zhonghua. They exposed me a lot to the intarnetz and different bands and music, and I also found out the internet can be kinda mean. And sometimes you can fight back lol. They actually made me a lot more aware of the world around me, and also taught me that I shouldn't be ignorant about things.

Feels like a blast from the past. Maybe I'll be more like Sec 2 self after all these interactions. I liked 14 year old me. Bit childish but I was sad and all in Sec 3 and not stressed in Sec 4.

And not like now, bored in the first three quarters of the year then finding out that boredom was actually emptiness and loneliness is disguise.

And crying my eyes out again. And the suddenly desire to cry after that episode at the most random moments. I think it's pretty safe to say that that period the week before school started to about the second week of school was the worse. Worse phase or period(I mean time, not menstrual cycle) I've ever been through. I didn't even feel like this when grandma passed away.

IDK what reflection post this is lol. WHY ISN'T TUMBLR LOADING STILL RAWR

Actually I want to mix the best bits of 2007 and the best bits of 2009 together.

Esix, Shannen/Claudia/UChan but minus the Claudia and UChan drama, Keziah and the Mraz madness minus her madness about doing well for the Os, Chingmay but no Nisa drama, Sibyl but no Dave sadness, Me but without the liking multiple guys one after another, Click Clique but without the ~scene~ conflict...

But life's never ever like that is it?

I guess... we have to live with it.

---

The thing that scares me the most? Neglect. I'm scared to death that people wont need me anymore or want to be around me anymore. Every time I feel like I'm initiating contact I'm terrified they're gonna be pissed and when they go out with other friends more than me I feel so unimportant. And when they come to me with problems and I don't know what to say I feel so contrived and all I can do is type ): and -hug- and I wish I could be there to hug them in person but I can't and I feel useless.

What is this insecurity.

Mostly I can tell my friends almost everything, except things like this. If they're pissing me off or if they're making me sad.

Even though no one's really doing it now. IDK.

I just. feel. so pathetic and like I've not done a single thing with my life.

Why the f do I always have to think so much.

Damnit I should have gone to sleep after reading instead of trying to refresh Tumblr. Look at what happened.

Just wanna go back to sec 2 now please. When the biggest issue was that I liked a dude who liked my friend. And my horrible school grades.

Oh great Tumblr's now partially loaded. Now I don't know if I should go to bed or refresh some more. Fuck this I'm going to bed. Also, I'd stopped using the word fuck in Sec 2. And I didn't use it out loud until that time. This used to be the easiest thing for me to control, and now I don't have control over anything. Nothing.

To think that I shared Christ with someone just yesterday. I didn't want to do it but I did. Maybe I shouldn't have. What pathetic example am I giving.

What happened to the past few weeks of getting better and feeling hopeful again omg. I really hope it's just me and not like, external forces playing a part. Cos if there is, GTFO. Oh lookie here using the wrong approach again. Argh.

Tumblr this is your fault. Good night/morning.

I don't feel bad about taking the tutoring thing away from my cousin cos she didn't really give a shit when she came the first week, didn't look like she cared much. So.

Tutoring my 14 year old cousin... a lot more annoying. My aunt wants to pay me with meals. Pfft. But it's quite a challenge, I guess I don't mind. Doing a lot of things my tuition teacher did, I kinda miss tuition with her.

Oh. My cousin doesn't know what the meaning of the word "assume" is. Seriously? She has this vocab assessment book only, as if that's enough for practice = = Anyway I wrote down all the words she didn't understand and asked her to find the meanings of the first ten words and make two sentences each. Gonna buy a comprehension book for her too. Dunno about composition maybe I have a book lying around somewhere.

Goodness knows if her standard of English will improve, I stayed for dinner and we were talking and she was switching between Singlish and Hokkien.

IDK I really wish she paid me. ): I think I might just blow this off after a couple more weeks and as school gives me more work.

---

I know I can't base religion on my feelings but on Friday I felt like I could be open to being filled by the Spirit, and then reverting back to my pissed-off self in service today. I felt pretty crappy and completely undeserving of standing there and knowing I didn't really mean what I was singing.

IDK also. I really don't know but here's to hoping it'll only get better from here.

---

WATCHING HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS ON TUESDAY

with Janice Nicky and Rebecca! Must prepare tissues. POOR DOBBY OMG.

---

Want to buy so many things! Was debating between Keds and Vans but Janice said there were cheap ones at New Look. Gonna check those out before I make a decision! And I am still very tempted by Zara shorts/pants. Ugh.

And there's still those jeans at f21 for $31!

And I am wondering if I should start using makeup. Just like, a bit for coverage.

My real problem is my hair though. I thought Silkpro was bad, but after using Essential shampoo my hair has reverted to it's greasy state at the end of the day. Ugh. I really need shampoo for oily hair I guess. Poly peeps have been asking me "Why is your hair so wet?" Zzz. It's not wet, it's GREASE OMG ):

Gonna use Asience after my Essential runs out! I like the smell of the Essential shampoo though, yummy ^^ I hope I find something that suits me because buying different types can be so exhausting. Buying, then finding it's not suitable, then continuing to use till it it runs out, then trying another one...

Zzz.

Ah well. Gonna bathe now and then make a list of all the stuff I need to do and do some e-learning stuff.

Good bye. For now.

She called earlier because I'm tutoring my cousin, more out of fun/experience than anything, and her daughter's having sch hols now and was gonna teach said cousin when I mercilessly took the job away. Whatever. Bitch removed me from friends on facebook. I don't really care about her. I might give her some of the moneh though, I don't know yet. Not like my aunt's paying a lot of money anyway.

Anyway she said her daughter didn't have my phone number and wanted to ask what time I was going down on Friday. I said I wasn't sure, maybe around 2 plus cos I have a stupid learning journey thing = =

Then she asked what I was going to teach. I said I don't know, because I don't. AND SHE HAD THE NERVE to go "you dunno what to teach or you dunno how to teach"

Back off, woman. As if your daughter would have any idea either. And just because you work in a early childhood setting does not mean you can speak in that tone. It's rude.

She was also the one telling me doing early childhood means I wouldn't earn much. Pfft. As if I have no ambition and would work as a teacher my entire life. And also, I may talk about getting a rich husband sometimes, but I don't really mean it.

IDK her tone and the way she speaks really gets to me. And she keeps asking what I'm doing in school and goes like oh haven't you done this yet? Or that? When are you going to do this?

Piss off omg. Not like you have anything constructive or useful to say anyway.

I AM SUCH A BITCH BUT SHE REALLY GETS TO ME ):

I might go crazy shopping after. Bursary money is beckoning to me heehee

FLB4 on Sat SO EXCITING

Seriously I might be going mad from lack of shopping HURHUR I miss buying things so much

I feeling like buying everything in sight omg.

Very tempted to go to Zara to buy pants/shorts. MEHHHHHHH

Shall try to restrict myself. There's church camp still and I gotta have some money to get cheapo stuff heh

Anyway weighed myself at gramdma's house I put on weight ew. Should probably get off my fat bum and see if I can join NP's dance or something.

I want expensive heels omg what is wrong with meeeeeeeee

---

Wanted to type something emoish but how to when there are no nice attractive guys around tsk.

I've been much better ^^ Maybe it was really just a weird phase thing I went through.

I was thinking in the shower and also after I showered. You know how there are moments that determine things in a person's life, and those moments can affect your life drastically.

For a certain person, there was a moment where we could've been close friends. I was about to tell (let's just call said person X) X about this guy I used to like. We were around this person for the entire day practically but there was a short amount of time where we were alone.

I tried not to be too obvious, because this person was still on my mind and I was still getting over him, so I said to X "hey you know blabla..."

But X was too busy telling me about X's problem. And I listened to X. I didn't tell X about him. I though, ah well I guess I wasn't meant to tell this particular secret of sorts to X.

I think X thinks we're pretty good friends, but I don't share that view. I'm sorry but really, no.

I know sometimes I think I give a lot of myself to my friends, but my friends also take quite a bit of nonsense from me. X has never had that privilege of having to endure my nonsense for an extended period of time. So.

---

Guys, if you're not hot or cute or stuff, take note.

1. Do not ask for a girl's timetable when all you want to do is have lunch. It's creepy. (okay, good looking guys cant do this either)

2. Do not try and act cute. It's gross.

3. Do not talk to a girl repeatedly (online or off) when she does not seem to be thrilled about it.

I might have more later. I'm sorry, it's not that girls are superficial but looks do kinda play a part in how we perceive you. And if you're not good looking acting cute is so off the cards.

um. yeah I need to go off now hurhur Deepavali at Tashka's house wheeee yummmm